Beating Anorexia...

How An Uneventful Day Becomes Eventful

2009-07-08T21:53:00.003-07:00

Today was my birthday. I pulled my birthday info from both Facebook and MySpace to see how many people would actually remember. My dad started the day by waking me up with a phone call at 6:15 AM. Dick. My brother sent me a text next, then two buddies, then my uncle and then another friend. After I got home from work, my mother called and then a great aunt called because she was unable to mail me a card. I called both my grandmothers last night to thank them for their cards and money.

I am entirely guilty of not being able to remember some of my close friends' birthdays and relying on Facebook or a similar service to remind me. Some of my friends' birthdays stick and some I'm not even sure about the month.

I don't fault anybody for not remembering my birthday. In fact, I preferred it. I went the entire day at work without hearing, "Happy birthday," from somebody that didn't really care or mean it. I went the whole day without having goofy gifts or a cake bestowed upon me. I hope all the rest of my birthdays are like this. I could do with even less phone calls, though.

If I had an ideal birthday now that I'm past the age of 21, it'd go like today. It stayed quiet at work, not a lot of people bugged me with birthday wishes and I didn't receive any useless gifts. The only gift I've received has been money, which is the best gift of all. There will be no argument about this. Oh, I nearly forgot. I received two other gifts.

As I was walking up the stairs to my apartment, I noticed a piece of paper attached to my door. I looked through the stairs to see that my neighbor below did not have a similar piece of paper. Upon seeing this, I began to worry. A lot. I may or may not have had a run in with Johnny Law a bit ago at 5:30 AM at an apartment that wasn't quite mine but was very close to mine. Allegedly. I didn't know if anything would happen because of this incident and as I walked closer and closer to the door, step by step, the only thought that ran through my mind was, "Please don't be an eviction notice, please don't be an eviction notice." I already had the key to my apartment in my hand so I grabbed the letter and went inside. It's best not to be in public if there's a chance you could freak out. I opened the letter and the top of it said "Ten Day Notice To Comply Or Vacate." I was just looking for important words like eviction and I saw vacate and about shit my pants. Then I read the letter thoroughly and came to the conclusion that it was just a warning. I checked with the office to make sure. The beautiful lady at the office took the letter, frowned a bit and told me, "Happy birthday." We then had a quick and covert discussion (one guy was there when I walked in and another walked in during the discussion) and she confirmed the warning aspect of it.

I walked back to my apartment and listened to a podcast and watched a documentary. I received two phone calls during this, as previously mentioned. I was thinking about the bullet I dodged most of the afternoon and how much I really do not want to get evicted from here. Sure, I could have not done that shit in the first place, but how fun would that be? I had an absolute blast that night. I was just checking on some things on the 'net and found out that I received another gift.

Shawn Marion is going to be a Dallas Maverick (my team) and Deavan George is not. I'm roughly 20,000 times happier about the second part of that than the first, but I'm excited about Marion on the Mavs.

So there you have it. A birthday that I hoped to just be normal that was rather close to normal. A normal day that I will probably never forget.

Well, Sheeeeeeiiiiiiitttt

2009-06-20T20:54:00.005-07:00

I recently changed my insurance policy over to my new residence and put in completely in my name. It was under my name but the address was back home and all my family was on the policy. There's only one reason I waited this long to change it over - my DUI happened at the end of April 2006. Fast forward to June 2009 when I'm getting the policy in my name as well as renter's insurance, just in case some fucks started a fire in my apartment complex (there's already been one fire in one of the complexes here this summer).

I've been living here, in Washington, for over a year now. It was probably a bit overdue that I change all of this, but I was waiting until May 2009 rolled around because things come off your driving record after 3 years. I was on "probation" from my insurance company because my agent vouched to me to his district office on the condition that I stayed ticket-free for 3 years. To this day, I've never even been pulled over. Ever.

Those three years came and went and I figured I should follow the rules and be even more of an upstanding citizen. I got this new policy under my name, and my name only, and a renter's insurance policy as well. I checked the mail today expecting some Blu-Rays from Amazon. I got a dental bill (over $200, yippee fucking doo-dah) and a letter from my insurance company. I was wondering just what the fuck it was since it was a rather thin letter and I've had a few from them in the past few days with policy details and what not. I open it up and see the words "Date of Cancellation". Well fuck me right up the ass. I read the whole thing and they're yanking my insurance because of my DUI and accident from over 3 years ago, even though I have all the points on my license and have no other traffic record. I hit a deer once, but my dad popped out the dent and we never reported it. The deer was completely fine - I was just coming back from hunting and made sure it wasn't hurt but couldn't even find the goddamn thing.

So on Monday, during work, I have to go to the insurance office and plead my case. I better not have to go fucking back on a "probationary" period again. The deal was one ticket and my insurance was fucking dropped. It never happened over 3 years. I've showed loyalty by going right back to them by getting this policy in my name. They better show me some fucking loyalty now.

So, the lesson is don't drink and drive. Why? Because it will NEVER leave you. I could cure fucking cancer, but if my name came up so would the fact that I had a DUI. So I'm doing what any good red-blooded American would. Getting drunk by myself and listening to country music. But no driving. I learned that lesson the hard way. Fucking fuck. I wish I was a decade before I was.

Two States That Deserve To Disappear

2009-03-11T22:28:00.009-07:00

There are two states in that nation that keep fucking things up over and over and over again. They also have the most people in them. Coincidence? No, people are fucking stupid. That's right, I'm looking at you California and Texas. You cunt-waffles.

I'm starting with Texas. I can't take credit for this thought because it was from my buddy in the Air Force that happens to live in west Texas:

I figured out how to get rid of the national debt - sell Texas back to Mexico. There's nothing here and everybody already speaks Mexican. Put it on your blog.

Done and done. The state is full of insufferable self-aggrandizing assholes that think they're tougher than they really are. And shit like this happens there. Seriously. It's also composed of a whole different breed of conservative bible-thumping rednecks that feel the need to drive shiny new pickup trucks, with aluminum rims and no specks of dirt, as much as possible. The only city I'd like to visit in Texas is Austin because it just doesn't seem like it belongs in Texas. That and it seems like a great geographical location to "accidentally" leave a nuclear weapon at that may or may not be hooked up to a timer. Between my buddy and myself, that's all that needs to be said about Texas.

Now on to the black hole of a state that is California. Remember the energy crisis the state had a few years ago? Do you know why that is? Because the state couldn't get enough power for the population. It's a fucking energy sync. It's also a money sync. Why? Because earlier this year, their state government was putting a freeze on state tax refund checks back to its citizens. They couldn't even cover all the people they had been fucking over on taxes. A state that ranked 20th out of 50 in 2005 on per capita tax (here) which is above the national average. Don't forget this is a state that recalled its governor and had a gubernatorial race that resembled a shitty reality TV series. Bill Hicks, quite possible my favorite comedian, used to talk about Arizona Bay. That would be when Los Angeles falls in the ocean. I'm expanding it to the entire fucking piece of shit state. I can't wait to have a crack at buying some oceanfront property in Arizona. I'll be first in line.

The Night That Christmas Died

2008-12-25T10:36:00.003-07:00

I don't remember the date of that fateful night, but I remember the details about it very well. I had reached the age where my mother thought it would be appropriate for me to go to midnight mass. For those of you who aren't familiar with it, it's Catholic mass at midnight. Unless they decide it'll be at 10 PM or 11 PM. That has also happened, but I digress.

I was all jazzed about going to midnight mass because I have never gone to it before and when your little, doing anything at midnight makes it that much cooler. If you want to impress a little kid, finish any activity with "at midnight" and the the kid will shit its pants. On second thought, don't do that.

Well, I go to midnight mass and it's, as near as I can tell, precisely the same as all the other masses. Drats, I've been foiled again! Why have you forsaken me, my little pea-brain? Why? If this limited edition mass wasn't worthwhile, no mass would ever be worthwhile.

Well, after being disappointed because there wasn't laser tag or some sort of RC car race, I went home with my mother. We had to stop at my neighbor's house and go into the basement to pick up some presents for underneath the tree. I was asked to help, and I did. I also looked at the presents and HOLY CRAP! They were from Santa! In my neighbor's basement! With my mother's handwriting!

Rest in peace, Santa.

I've Got Your Yule Log Right Here

2008-12-25T00:18:00.004-07:00

I'm writing this right around the change from Christmas Eve to Christmas Day. Why? I've been slacking. Big time.

I had to shovel snow for the first time in at least a year, if not two or three. Let me tell you this: the people that design snow shovels are a bunch of humorless three-feet-tall assholes that live in Florida. It took me roughly one minute to design one in my head that wouldn't absolutely destroy the back of anybody tall enough not to be a fucking elf. You fucking pricks, I know it's all one big conspiracy because there's never been one snow shovel that was actually worth a shit and somewhat comfortable.

Tomorrow, I may or may not receive a gift. Do I care? Absolutely fucking not. Did I buy any gifts for anybody? Absolutely fucking not. Ever get a gift that you had no need for? "Hmm, maybe I can wipe my ass with this if I run out of toilet paper." Ever get a gift that was something you had been thinking about getting yourself, only it's a much different model than the one you wanted. Possibly, the only model that you decided on not buying. Yeah, fuck that shit. Straight cash, homey. That's all you need to do. Gift cards are just a cop-out between cash and a worthless gift. Here's some money but you can only use it HERE. Well, listen, they don't sell blind midget porn at Best Buy. I've looked.

If you are going to get a gift for somebody, I suggest knowing exactly what the fuck they want. Go to a store with them and have them point at it. "I want that one, RIGHT FUCKING THERE. No, the big-ass one with stainless. Yeah, that one." Hard to fuck that up, unless you're shopping for a woman.

There seems to be one redeeming thing about the holiday season. Drinking is either encouraged or overlooked.

Also, being on paid vacation is nice.

I did buy one present for my favorite person - myself. Big-ass TV. Yeah boy. I cannot wait to go back home and just stare at that thing for hours. Planet Earth on Blu-Ray...I need to get some new shorts now.

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good fucking night.

This Weekend

2008-11-20T08:46:00.000-07:00

Will be the Cat-Griz game, also known as Brawl of the Wild. What this means is a lot of drinking will be going on while people yell obscenities to each other. I have been on call all week. Here's all you need to know:

I wore my MSU hoodie to work this week a few times and I was stopped by a man who went to school at Missoula. He was delivering packages at Fed-Ex. That is all.

P.S. I'm going to try to get to a bar this weekend to watch the game if I can get off from work. It may not end well.

Defending The Denver Game

2008-09-14T21:03:00.002-07:00

If you saw the San Diego/Denver game this weekend, you may feel that San Diego was screwed over by the men in stripes. You would certainly have a valid argument with that point. However, there is more than one way to look at this.

Let me take you back to last year. Mike Shanahan made a habit out of calling timeouts just a fraction of a second before a field goal was kicked. Sometimes this worked out for the Denver Broncos. Other times, it did not. The league then instituted a rule to fix this.

There's been a major issue with the NFL for a while now - namely that a play was ruled dead once that the whistle has been blown. As was shown in the game today, this rule is foolish and needs to go. Simply put, the Broncos are a team that is getting the NFL rulebook changed by exploiting various rules until they are fixed for the betterment of the league.

Also, Shanahan's decision to go for two was partially insane but it made a lot of sense with that game. The line was drawn in the sand for the ballgame. No matter how many times the officials had fleeced San Diego on calls (twice), it all came down to a two-point conversion. San Diego couldn't stop the conversion and missed their chance at redemption.

Hodge Podge

2008-09-13T20:12:00.003-07:00

I ride my bicycle on the weekend and to work every day that I can. Some days a fucking tire is flat. Some days I have errands to run in the morning. However, I do my best to ride to work every day. ~~Sometimes~~ All the time I have odd thoughts while on my bike.

Sometimes in movies, you may notice that an actress has hard nipples. Sometimes it seems purely accidental and sometimes it like it goes along very well with the story. Three things: 1). Are "erect nipples" written right into the script"? 2). Is there a person that takes care of getting the nipples hard if they're needed? 3). May I have that job?

Riding a bike is an activity that most people know how to do. Holy shit, an actual segue. I even started this off by talking about riding a bike. Fuck me! Where am I going next? Oh, right here. We, as a country, do not use the death penalty properly. First of all, any state that has outlawed it is fucking worthless and should be removed from the Union. No questions asked. Executions should be far more frequent and infinitely more entertaining. Second of all, game shows are becoming ridiculously popular to the point that I'm waiting to see one of the main networks promoting Knifey, Spoony. So, I have a solution for both. A game show where a convict tries to ride a bicycle across a series of beams suspended 200 feet in the air. Below them is a giant pit of spikes. If they fall off, the execution is incredibly entertaining. We have super slo mo now with high def. If they convicts can make it to the other side, they have a shot at freedom. By which I mean, they will be under heavy sniper fire. If they can escape, they're free. Sounds good to me.

Here's one more thing. The people that have been in power for the past twenty years have fucked up far worse than any other generation. Look at how fucking insane we've gotten as a society with our political correctness and all of the euphemistic bullshit. Now people are popular and admired for saying obscene and vulgar things with no substance behind them. Shit, that's ALL I do. All because the baby boomers have fucked this country up beyond recognition. Hopefully, all of this foolishness can stop. You can shit in one and and hope in the other and see what fills up first. I already know that you'd end up with a brown hand (hopefully - I'm in no position to judge your bowel movements). This country, including all of you, have become incredibly pussified. College football is getting closer and closer to tee-ball for kids where no score is kept and everybody is a winner. Hell, there's even a kid who's too good of a pitcher to play Little League so they've banned him from the league. It was because he was pitching so well that the other children ~~who's parents live vicariously through them and constantly place such high expectations and pressure on them~~ were having an extremely difficult time hitting. Seriously.

So here's my challenge for you: get the bicycle balance beam of death show on the air, find me the nipple rubbing job and stop being a fucking pussy-ass bitch.

Politics, Biatch

2008-09-03T19:41:00.008-07:00

Ahhh nawwww. You weren't expecting me to get serious for a while and talk politics, were you? Well good because I'm going to break it down my way.

This November we have a small election going on. Maybe you've heard about it. Something about a "President"? I think it's a Latvian word, but bear with me for a bit. The talking heads on my truthbox (that's a TV to you fuckwads) keep talking about it, so it must be important.

I have been known to say that I would decide on who I was voting for once the VP candidates were announced. Well they have been. I would love to bump uglies with one of the candidates and that Palin lady from Alaska isn't too shabby herself. But seriously, the picks are in so I'm going to try to break things down for you. ~~Vote for me. I'll at least tell you that your money is~~ ~~going straight to my pocket!~~

And for the record, I borrowed this picture from here. It's far too fucking brilliant not to give props to.

On the Democratic side of things, we have Barack Obama and Joe Biden. Obama has been promising change. Having a young, (partially) black man in the office certainly would be a huge change. He's talking about bucking the system and doing what is right. He is a charismatic person and an incredible speaker. Honesty is also another characteristic that Obama contains. You're still looking at the politician feeling up Lady Justice, aren't you? Me too. If you want proof of Obama's honestly, look no further than his book. He has no problem talking about past experiences with drugs. (You see that you fucking douchebag, Billy-boy Clinton? You fucking inhaled, dickwad).

Obama's main criticism is lack of experience. ~~Cuntface~~ Hillary Clinton kept ~~eating babies~~ saying over and over that she could run laps around Barack when it came to experience. I was never sure what fucking experience she was talking about, but that bitch fucking lost. Suck it down, bitch. Suck it long and suck it hard.

Sorry, I blacked out there for a while and now there's a hobo's head in my fireplace. Pretend you never read that.

Obama has been talking about not carrying on with politics of old. Then he picks a man as his VP that has 35 years experience as a politician. This man, Joe Biden, is not a maverick politician. This confuses me slightly. I know what the reason was for (to bolster the Democratic ticket's foreign experience and overall experience), but a move like this makes me question his conviction.

On the Republican side of things, we have John McCain and Sarah Palin. John McCain remembers when Jesus was elected (there's your old joke, fuckers). Now, if you know me you know that I liked McCain when he ran for President in 2000. I liked the Straight Talk Express (if you laugh, I'll fucking bury you in my courtyard) but realized that nobody that actually embraced that sort of political strategy had much of a fucking chance. McCain is a maverick politician (which I like), but he has also softened over the last few years. If he hadn't, we wouldn't be talking about him right now. So his convictions can be questioned a bit here.

If you haven't heard, McCain was in a war. The Hundred Years' War, I think (which spanned 116 years). He is may be considered a warhawk and is committed to our current situation. Some people find this bad (hippies). I'm a bit more destruction-minded than I should be. I can't help it. Guns are fucking awesome. I struggle between peace and war in my mind on a daily basis. Obama claims that McCain is out of touch with the current situation. Truthfully, from listening to all of these debates and pundits, everybody is fucking out of touch.

Sarah Palin is McCain's VP. She's from Alaska and has very little political experience. She has no problems taking on oil and that's about the only thing really driving Alaska's economy. Oil (this covers all petroleum products) first and fishing much, much later. She is a maverick politician, which I like. Being kind of sexy doesn't hurt anything, either.

Here's why I like Obama: He wants to move away from the past politics and do what is right for the nation.

Here's why I like McCain: He isn't afraid to tell people to fuck off.

Here's what scares me about Obama: To gain the office, he's had to deal with old (and fucking sleazy) politicians. He also hasn't taken many firm stances on the important issues. The most important issue for me is gun control. Obama talks about leaving the hunters alone, but he stays away from handgun talk. I intend on buying more handguns because they're absolutely fucking sweet.

Here's what scares me about McCain: He has a mercurial temper and we could be bombing a country that we shouldn't. (If we bomb the shit out of France, it's a country that we should). We also could end up in another "conflict" over the next few years.

Now this year, you can vote for one ticket and you will be voting for one person with little or no experience, one person with plenty of experience and a historical nomination. The same thing happens if you vote for the other ticket.

If you're a white male, you have the opportunity to vote in such a manner that you can provide proof (only if you want it to) so that you may no longer be considered racist or sexist. Your vote only allows for one of these to happen. Which is going to be?

Here's my pick:

Everybody is going to fucking die!

As you can see, I went with "awesome".

Baseball!?!?

2008-08-23T21:31:00.003-07:00

Yes, I'm talking about baseball. Now I can only speak to what happened as of the evening of August 23, 2008 since I cannot accurately predict the future. If I could, I'd be rich enough to hire some illegal immigrants to blog for me. Unfortunately, you're getting a lazy American's work. The purpose of this post is to decide if playoff baseball will even be worth watching this year, since my beloved Marlins (most likely) will not be in the playoffs and the teams that evoke most of my rage may not be involved. One will (probably) not be involved - that being the Yankees. As of right now, the Red Sox are in first place in the wild card.

Why am I talking about baseball? Simple. The playoff picture is starting to shape up and it's worth examining. Let's examine things on a division by division basis, starting with the NL. *Please note that I have been drinking tonight.*

NL West

Arizona Diamondbacks - 3 game lead
The last two roommates that I've had are Diamondback fans. They also beat the Yankees in the playoffs once. Otherwise, they're a Switzerlandesque team to me. No big deal.

NL Central

Chicago Cubs - 4.5 game lead
What can I say about the Cubbies? Will they finally shed the "cursed" status that Boston and the other Chicago team has this decade? Or will they blow it in the playoffs this year? I fear that if they do win it all, their fan base will resemble the Red Sox nation and their collective asshole-ishness. Next thing you know, it'll be the Red Sox and the Cubs on all the time on ESPN. Lord, I hope not.

NL East

New York Mets - 1.5 game lead (6 over my Marlins)

Listen, you fucking pricks. You had an epic collapse last year. You better do it again this year so last year's team doesn't feel so bad. Wouldn't want to hurt any of the players on that team's feelings, you know. So do what you normally do and collectively attempt to swallow Mr. Met whole.

NL Wildcard

Milwaukee - 3.5 game lead

Land of shitty beer, fat people and more fat people. Sounds like my kind of place! Actually, this may be the only team in the NL that I would be able to actually root for.

AL West

LA Angels - 15.5 game lead

Yeah, the Angels have this one wrapped up. They're really good, but I have a principle of not rooting for anything from California. Sorry. And just because I now live in the state of Washington, the Mariners are ~~fucking terrible~~ 31 games out of first place. I, myself, am only 36 games out.

AL Central

Minnesota Twins - 0.5 game lead

For many years, I have joked that the Twins were simple a minor league club for any of the big market teams in the majors. They develop tremendous talent, but when it comes contract time that talent goes walking right out the door. Plus, I have a couple good friends that root for the Twins, so fuck that team.

AL East

Tampa Bay Rays - 5.5 game lead

You may say that this entire post was a convoluted way of typing "Tampa Bay Rays - 5.5 game lead". You might be right. It warms my heart not to see the Yankees or the Red Sox in first. Actually, that might be the whisky. This might be the team that I throw my temporary support behind.

AL Wildcard

Boston - 0.5 game lead

The one team currently in the lead that I just can't bring myself to root for. The only time I can root for the Red Sox was against the Yankees, but times have changed. Now I just root for a terrorist attack when those two teams meet.

Who I May Be Rooting For In The NL

Milwaukee Brewers

I'm mostly German so beer and sausage are actually my bread and butter. Milwaukee knows where it's at in that regard.

Who I May Be Rooting For In The AL

Tampa Bay Rays

While I am sad that they dropped the "Devil" out of their name, I am not sad that they are typically a perennial shitty team and they are well ahead of the Red Sox and the Yankees.

What I'll Actually Be Doing During The Playoffs

I will be catching the games on TV during the week and then watching football on Saturday and Sunday. Have a problem with that? Oh, and if I had to pick between the Rays and the Brewers, I'd go with the Brewers. Watching two lardasses play for Milwaukee makes me day. C.C. and Prince are among the largest in the league.

Who's Sorry Now?

2008-08-22T23:04:00.004-07:00

That would be me. I have been depriving you magnificent bastards of words that you never intended on reading. That's right, it's customer appreciation day here at Beating Anorexia... Except customers, you know, actually pay for things. The only thing that I am "paid" with is a complaint that I don't post enough. Well maybe I have super villains to defeat. That shit doesn't just happen in an instant.

So I'm going to keep fighting the good fight and posting goofy-ass blogs that garner no replies. Every once in a while I get a head shake in disgust from people, but there's no proof that it's strictly from this blog. Also, there will be actual sports being played in few weeks. None of this non-playoff baseball bullshit. 162 games huh? Well, fuck that. For me, the MLB just keeps the seat warm between the NBA and NFL season. The NBA just tides me over from the NFL season, but I actually enjoy the NBA. I think it's because it's not one hundred and sixty-two excruciatingly boring games.

That being said, if you don't watch football and like me, there's no way in fuck that I like you. It's either football or the bricks, kid. Even if you don't like me (this applies to 100% of the people I know) and you don't like football we just can't be friends. That's it. Football is proof that God wanted us to beat the holy fuck out of each other. Fact.

I'm going to get some rest now and sleep in tomorrow. I don't have to fucking work tomorrow and my only responsibility is to not choke on my drool tonight. Peace, you gangrene-ridden cock-gobblers.

I Shall Return

2008-08-20T21:57:00.004-07:00

For the first time since late May, I will be returning to my home state. Not only that, but I will be returning to my hometown. That's fucking right, bitches. I'm coming home. On the train.

I've been racking my brain to think of ~~luscious breasts~~ things to do while on the train. So far I have come up with taking two mp3 players so I have plenty of music to listen to and battery life to last. I also plan on ~~a seriously unhealthy amount of masturbation~~ reading books. Hopefully it will be books and not just a book. If you have any suggestions, feel free to leave them in the comments or get a hold of me. I've already taken a few.

I recently got a library card so I'll take suggestions even after this trip. It's also completely fine to carry on alcohol with you and I have a giant bottle of John Dewar's and also a giant bottle of Knob Creek. I plan on ~~passing out in the aisle, sans pants~~ sipping on that and maybe partaking in ~~incomprehensible mumbling~~ a conversation full of witty banter.

Either way, it's going to be great to return home. I'm all growed up, or so I should be. I also miss shooting things, which isn't nearly as fucking easy as it is in Eastern Montana. Don't think I've forgotten how filthy of a cumbucket you are western Montana. Slut.

Maybe I'll see some of you. I probably won't see most of you. You know, those fucking bushes outside your window do a good job of obstructing my view.

Well Now What Happens?

2008-07-08T22:28:00.005-07:00

Today is my birthday. I am now twenty-two years old. Big fucking deal. Growing up sucks. The Fourth of July has always been my favorite holiday for two reasons:

1). I got to blow shit up for an entire day.

2). My birthday was four days later.

This year, I didn't do anything for the Fourth. I actually went to bed early. Fireworks are pretty fucking gay unless you don't light them off. A chance to blow off my own arm or the arm of a loved one? Where the hell do I sign up? A chance to watch a choreographed display where there is almost no chance for bodily harm that I have absolutely no part in? Yeah, um, fuck that.

After you turn 21, birthdays are fucking gay. There is absolutely nothing special about them. At 25, I think, I can not be charged extra by a rental car company. On my 35th birthday, I can run for president. Gay. What the fuck am I supposed to do with the rest of my life? What am I supposed to look forward to?

What used to be my favorite week or so of the year was just another week. No different than the one before it or the one after it. Growing up blows. Oh, and the state of Washington is kind of gay. That should be the motto.

Now What Am I Supposed To Do?

2008-06-17T19:46:00.011-07:00

Tonight is the last night of the NBA season. There's absolutely no way that the Lakers are coming back. It's not even halfway through the 3rd quarter and I'm writing them off. Thank you Lakers, for absolutely nothing. You fucks. Here's an invitation for all Boston sports fans:
Die.

Some of use have to suffer with their teams. Oh, but you fuck-tasters get to celebrate a championship roughly every year. Go fuck a lava rock.

The real tragedy here is that the only sport going on until football starts is baseball. The worst of the three major sports. That's my opinion, but in case you haven't noticed on this here blog, my opinion is the only one that matters. What the fuck am I supposed to do now?

Oh yeah. This:
I haven't forgotten about you, drinking.

Haven't Changed Yet

2008-06-06T21:00:00.005-07:00

Tonight, a Friday night, I dined on a Totino's pizza and am drinking a selection of delectable beverages. I stopped at the gas station on the corner of my block before I came home from work today. I bought a 24 oz. alcoholic energy drink with 10% ABV. I also bought an 18-pack of 16 oz. Busch Light. Classy.

The energy drink was about $2 and the teener was about $11 (I'm ignoring the taxes since I'm not used to them and they're gay). My total was $14 something. I'm assuming that I don't finish the 18 pack tonight so there's a chance I can get completely hammered two nights in a row for under $15. How's that for a deal?

I'll tell you. It's fucking great. So far, I'm enjoying this state.

If you don't mind I'd like to take an excerpt from one of my favorite bands. The band is Alice in Chains and the song is Queen of the Rodeo. It goes a little something like this:

I drink too much, I smoke too much
I'm a human waste
I buy a lot of cheap alcohol
But I'll tell ya honey, I really hate the taste

That's not entirely true. I don't smoke often and I don't really hate the taste.

Son Of A...

2008-06-05T22:47:00.003-07:00

Tonight I was going to do some serious reading. You know, on the john. The shitter, if you will. Well, for some reason the book slipped out of my hand and of course you know what happened. Right in the crapper. Don't worry, it was clean toilet water. Well, as clean as toilet water gets.

Since my chemistry lab group in high school was a collection of morons, myself included, I'm very experienced in drying out wet paper. However, this is a collection of sheets of paper and not a single sheet. I also do not have a hot plate at my apartment. Shit out of luck. Toilet out of shit. What a coincidence!

So, as I type this, the book is in my oven. I have been cycling the heat on and off as well as flipping and rotating the book. And having a glass of whiskey. I'm cooking knowledge! It's a Vonnegut book, which I found to be ironic since, according to Kilgore Trout, this life is a crock of shit. For the dense people out there, my book fell into a vessel that is a crock of shit. Oh sweet, sweet irony.

It's Over Now

2008-06-03T23:20:00.003-07:00

School is officially over for me. After long nights spent thinking about my days at school and all of the memories I only have one thing to say: thank fucking Christ. School blew. Infected goat cocks. Full of black licorice. Man, I fucking hate black licorice.

I have the essentials for my new place: a giant fucking bottle of Jameson. There are other things here, but they're not important. I just got cable and internet today. How I've missed thee.

I've got a job and what not. That goes on during the day. I've been reading quite a copious amount of Vonnegut, lately. I also forgot how awesome cheap cereal is in the morning. It's totally worth waking up the extra 5-10 minutes early for.

Here's a pearl of wisdom for you: if you can't laugh, you shouldn't be living.

The Throes Of Pants

2008-04-30T22:20:00.003-07:00

For one glorious day, the throes of pants were no longer upon me. I was free to live without the oppression of the denim queller for one sweet, short day on campus. The sun was shining, a few shorts and skirts were worn and lunch was had outside. But most importantly, pants were no longer in power. The new rulership was kind, inviting and fulfilled my needs as a man. Who hate pants. I mean really fucking hates pants. For one day the denim guillotine was removed from around my neck. Then the weather took a turn for the worse and the denim dictators were now in power once again. It seems like it was forever ago that the shorts revolution was in full swing. In reality, it was only yesterday. May the revolution never end. Never forget the oppression of pants!

Finally

2008-04-22T22:11:00.002-07:00

I got a job. A real one. So I just have one thing to say to everybody that knows me:

*ahem* Suck my balls!

Thank you.

Mmm, Bacon

2008-03-21T10:08:00.003-07:00

I was raised Catholic (go ahead and make you fucking jokes, I'll see you in hell). I'm no longer Catholic. The only thing that has ever really pissed me off about the customs and beliefs is the no red meat of Fridays bullshit during Lent. For the past 5+ years I've tried to go out of my way to eat red meat on Good Friday. My cupboards are pretty bare right now, but I found a treasure in the freezer and I'm going to eat it all.

What is it, you might ask. It's bacon. A pound of bacon. It's all mine.

Why I'm Better Than You

2008-03-03T15:03:00.010-07:00

I own 6 firearms, with two of them being pistols. I've purchased 3 for myself including the two pistols and I've only been able to buy pistols since July. I've also killed a 16" antelope with one of my rifles.

I have shot 2 TVs.

I own a hatchet. And a pickax.

I give blood. ~~All I need is a machete and a bucket.~~ I just gave blood today and try to give as often as I can. They even gave me a pink bandage. ~~Well, it was blue, but I scared the blue right the fuck out of the bandage.~~ I said surprise me and the lady decided on pink. I thought she was bluffing. That makes me a much better person than you. Plus, I almost always get free shit from giving blood.

Usually after I give blood, I like to rub one out. This gives me an incredibly power feeling of being lightheaded to the point where I approach passing out.

I have more free shit than anybody I know.

I will be graduating with a degree in Chemical Engineering in 4 years. I will only have ~$10K in loans to pay off.

I drive a pick-up.

If I was a Native American, my last name would be Vomits Like A Geyser.

I once flooded an entire bathroom by puking in an automatic-flush urinal.

I once peed in a washing machine.

I can dislocate my kneecap by doing such things playing intramural football and walking on ice. Lately, I don't even bother going to the hospital.

I once showed up twenty-five minutes late to a job interview.

I haven't had to work over the past two school years.

~~I open-mouthed kissed a horse once.~~

I'm not above making Austin Powers' references.

I was blessed in the toilet-clogging department.

I lied about going to Ash Wednesday services one time by burning up some paper in aluminum foil and making a cross on my forehead along with my brother's. What was I doing instead of going to church? Lifting weights.

I was doing power cleans in weights class in high school and I got really low to get underneath the bar before it fell back to the ground. I got so low that I heard a loud rip. Let's just say that I was glad it wasn't my shorts making the noise.

Everything that isn't crossed out is absolutely true. I wouldn't lie to you.

Listen Here All You Rascals

2008-02-06T00:44:00.000-07:00

I don't really feel like sleeping, even though it's 12:45 AM and I have to be on campus at 9 AM. I don't really feel like doing anything, to tell the truth. I'm usually irate thanks to a group I'm in for a class. I've had a headache off and on since Sunday. I might just have an aneurysm if I'm not careful. That, or my head is going to fucking explode. I vote for the latter, but only if it goes on video tape.

I have the demeanor of a 75 year old man, with the body of a 40 year old. That always ends well, I know it. I sure as fuck Hillary doesn't become the god damn president, because I don't want to pay the temporary residence fee so I can move to Canada (thank you DUI!). That, or fucking Iceland. Think about it. Enough geothermal energy to power the entire fucking country. They have heated streets. Heated fucking streets! If we had that shit around here, maybe people would be able to fucking drive in the winter time. Plus, tips aren't expected in Iceland for any industry that is tip-based in the states. How fucking sweet is that? I can be a bigger tight ass and everybody is just fine with it. I fucking hate tipping. You want a tip? Bring me another drink. Now. That's about the only time I enjoy tipping. That, or when I tip the difference because I am drinking at a discounted rate. That's my kind of deal. Don't forget about the Viking influence. No, I'm not talking about the shitty football team in Minnesota, either.

Speaking of Vikings, I recently had a discussion with a few classmates. I proposed that the pirates vs ninjas "battle" was really a fucking crock of shit. Anybody who knows anything knows that Vikings would have made pirates their slaves. And then raped the shit out of them. It really should be Vikings vs ninjas. If you can pick up on capitalization, you would see who I favored. However, for the denser people out there, I'd take the Vikings in a heart beat. I'd put all my money on it. What would be worse? A quick, silent death by a ninja, or death by rape by a Viking or many Vikings. Exactly my point. The Vikings are well known for rape, pillage and plunder. The three P's. What, you don't think rape starts with a P? Well you obviously haven't been Viking raped yet.

In conclusion, I should go to bed. Just remember to watch out for Vikings. You best keep all your orifices closed, just to be safe.

New Years, Again

2008-01-02T23:48:00.000-07:00

This is my first post for New Years. I don't really follow along with all this 'Best of 20xy' at the end of 20xy. It's rather pointless. I'm not much for New Years resolutions. Last year mine was to gain weight. It fucking worked. Suck it down, people who didn't keep your resolutions. Suck it long and suck it hard.

This break hasn't been so bad. I'm not dying to head back to college right now. Normally, I'd be counting down the hours. I've been sleeping a lot, shooting a lot and drinking a lot. My own Holy Trinity. I've been playing plenty of video games, listening to plenty of music, reading blogs and columns and I just started reading a book for the first time over this break. I read 5 last year. Motherfucking five. Just one right now and it's Beowulf, which qualifies as more of an epic poem than a book. It's just over 100 pages and a very nice read. I still have decided if I want to watch the shitty animated version yet. If I do, I know that I will just become infuriated. However, I will rip it to shreds, so there's that.

This blog is terribly uninspired. I'm not fucking sorry, though. I may have used up all my inspiration for the year on the Lindsay Lohan post. I did get to see West Fuckin' Virginia run for 346 yards against the Sooners. I'm a Notre Dame fan through and through (fuck you), but I love to admire teams, from a distance, that run for over 300 yards. Just love it.

I'm going to end this because it sucks. Sorry for wasting your time.

An Open Letter To Ms. Lohan

2007-12-27T13:20:00.000-07:00

Dear Lindsay,

I have a proposition for you. You should date me. That's right. It bears repeating. You should date ME. Before you start doing lines to comprehend that, let me break it down for you. Baby steps, baby. Baby steps.

There seems to be an ubiquitous notion that you are a fan of drinking and driving. I used to be! Now I'm just a large fan of drinking and stumbling about. Drinking and driving will no longer be a problem for me or for you. I will do the drinking and you will do the driving. Done and done. If you get tempted to start drinking, I will simply drink your drinks for you. When I puke later just remember that it's not just vomit and partially digested food. It's love. And hot dogs. Mostly love.

Your drug habit will be kicked, too. If you ever start to crave any, I have a simple solution. Your mouth, my dick. Your hands, my balls. As far as I know, it's rather hard to do drugs when both your hands and mouth are ocupado. With my junk. As far as I know, there is a rather low assortment of drugs around my crotchal region. A little opium never hurt anybody! If you had an urge in public, I would be more than happy to bare my wang-doodle to the world to help ween you off your drug habit. If it became a public spectacle I would yell, "It's either this or meth!" Not even once.

Some years ago, you got incredibly skinny and your chest-pillows started to diminish in size. This was a national travesty unlike any other. It affected me. ME! I would be willing to share a portion of my food with you - say 15%. This would benefit both of us as you are too skinny and I'm too ~~sexy~~ fat.

There have also been numerous concerns about your health. Fear not for I have another solution. You will be in shape due to all of the trips from the kitchen to the living room. Dear, I could use another sandwich. And beer. Six of them. Stat! Recently it has been reported that you are a nymphomaniac. This will be great. We can work out together. While I'm inside of one or more of your many orifices. Sounds like fun to me. We can screw until the fat starts melting off me. Doesn't that make you hot?

Don't worry about me leaking any pictures to the press. I would only take a picture or two for proof that I'm not just drunk and delusional and that we are actually an "item". Those pictures would serve no purpose for me; therefore they would be out of my realm of concern. Instead of ~~jerking off~~ admiring pictures of yours, I would just have you service my mini-me and his two companions. My right arm might start to diminish from a Popeye size forearm to a regular forearm. How about that? I might actually avoid carpal tunnel syndrome until age 35.

So how about it Lindsay Lohan? It's a win-win for both sides. You get your life straightened up and I win at life. Call me.

Merry Christmas!

2007-12-25T10:34:00.000-07:00

That's right. It's that time of year again. Did you do your Christmas shopping (assuming that you do, in fact, celebrate Christmas)? I did. I bought my favorite person a gift. Me. A Browning Buck Mark .22 pistol. Now, you might be saying, "Well, don't you already have a pistol? I thought you bought yourself one for your birthday." That's completely correct. However, now I have TWO pistols. One for each fucking hand. How sweet is that shit? Infinitely sweet. In a week or so, I'm going to shoot a TV set with one of my pistols. Maybe even both. That's a fucking treat.

I spent my Christmas Eve drinking some with my dad and then coming back to our house to watch the rest of a shitty football game and old boxing matches with a little "A Christmas Story" thrown in on the side. Then I decided that the football game was too painful so I would run over the the Loaf & Jug to buy a six-pack. I then drank said six-pack and went to bed. It's a wonderful life indeed!

This morning I sent out text messages to a bunch of my friends reading "Merry Fucking Christmas!" Here are some of the replies:
You motherfucking too
I raped Mrs. Claus last night! So back at ya!
You too douchebag
Well aren't you in the holiday spirit

Can you feel the love? See, I hang out with sick bastards too.

I Have Returned

2007-12-20T21:48:00.000-07:00

To my form of not regularly updating. You don't like it? Oh, well fuck you then. I was busy with finals and school and drinking. You know what? I'm going to drink with the other two members of this blog. So much for constructive progress. Fuck you.

What's In The Box?

2007-10-30T21:45:00.001-07:00

Once upon a time, I took Spanish class. I did this during my sophomore and junior years. For some reason that is still unknown to me, it was recommended to have a year or two of a foreign language to get into college. Here I am, almost out of college, wondering what the fuck good that did me. Well, there was a hot girl in there that I would think about doing dirty things with that no language could accurately describe. Plus, the teacher was pretty good looking herself and it was an easy class. What was I talking about again?

Oh yeah. Spanish class. Well, during my second year of Spanish we played this game called "What's in the box?". The object of the game was to guess what was in the box, except you had to guess in Spanish. The person holding the box had already placed something in the box and would answer in Spanish. It was like a Mexican version of 20 questions, minus cervezas. I thought I was going to be all sneaky and trick everybody. My dad is a taxidermist, so there are usually miscellaneous animal parts lying around. I brought in some deer legs and something else.

Apparently, everybody else could kind of put two and two together and figure out that I probably brought something dealing with dead animals. Fuckers. You aren't smart enough to pass the class on your own, but you can guess what I have in the box in a minute amount of time? Fuck that. At any rate, everybody had their turns playing the game before the class got over. I decided that I would be creative. Hmm, what can I put in the damn box that is readily available? A pencil? No, that's too easy. A calculator? Fuck that noise. My shoe? That wouldn't be obvious or anything.

I GOT IT!

I'm going to spit in the box. I proceeded to do exactly that. I had a difficult time answering questions due to me not exactly knowing what comprises spit. Also, answering things you don't know in a language that you don't know isn't the easiest thing to do. After a plethora of guesses, one guy started to get on track. He asked me this: "Shoop, did you spit in the box?"

Why, yes, yes I did.

And I Bestow Upon You Answers...

2007-09-24T10:12:00.000-07:00

That's exactly what I'd say if I was asked to speak in front of a mass of former NFL players. I'm sorry if these are repeats of previous arguments, but my brain isn't worth a plastic penny in the World Series of Poker tournament. Everything seems to run and mush together anymore. At any rate, I have a few solutions to the lack of a decent pension and care for retired NFL players:

1) Have Peyton Manning donate an entire year's salary towards the pension. Why Peyton? Well, I had to think of somebody who receives an extraordinary amount of money compared to most of the league. He certainly fits that bill. Also, I thought about somebody who wouldn't miss a year's salary. With all of the endorsements that he is in, he won't be missing his NFL salary. Please note that I absolutely hate Peyton Manning, but if he were to do this, I would let the hate completely dissolve and maybe even venture into the land of "like". *Shudder*

2) Use the money for all of the silly endzone celebration fines directly for the pension fund. It's not like the NFL doesn't make enough as it is. Plus, a breaker of the silly rule would be donating money towards a good cause, as well as entertaining NFL fans. Also, some of the old crotchety players that don't like celebrations would start to like them for the simple fact that they can now pay their medical bills. Fuck you if you find fault in this, it's perfect.

3) Have Bill Gates and/or Steve Allen donate a large amount of money into the pension fund. They both have enough money to run for God, so why the fuck not? If they threw in a couple hundred million over some time, I don't see it affecting them in the least.

4) Get Gene Upshaw to stop being such a pussy basket and get the NFL to donate some fucking money. Jesus Christ, they can have $100 money fights for hours on end in a structure that will dwarf the new Cowboys stadium. They're not poor.

*Please note that if a general pension fund is not already in place, that would end up being Step 0.

This is just my interpretation, of the situation.

Summer Is Nearly Gone

2007-08-02T21:05:00.000-07:00

Well, I will be heading back for school in a few weeks (about two and a half to be exact). Why am I posting about this now? I don't really feel like going to bed and I can give a nearly complete recap of my summer.

I won't talk about the terrible summer that sports have been having. That's why I'm friends with Mr. Al. Perhaps you've met him? Mr. Al Kohol, I believe.

How did it begin? Well, the day after I got back to my parent's house, I started working. That's been rather consistent throughout the entire summer. I have worked at least 4 days a week for every week of the summer. I like money.

I spent the beginning of the summer also helping out T.K.O.S. with fixing up his newly purchased house and his baseball team. Both ended up turning out pretty good.

Throughout the entire summer, I have done three activities on a regular basis. Worked, drank and shot things (specifically dirt and prairie dogs). In that order, too. I've even seen a pile of shit exploded by T.K.O.S.'s AR-15 causing the skies to rain down shit upon prairie dogs. Nice. It's been a pretty good summer. I even went fishing a tiny bit. Hooray!

The middle part of my summer was basically spent working during the week and drinking during the weekends. Not a whole lot terribly exciting happened, but that's how I like to keep it. I did turn 21 about that time, and didn't die. Sorry to disappoint you.

The last part of my summer will have things picking up quite a bit. Last weekend was a great weekend. It had a chance to be phenomenal and unforgettable, but I'm too fat for that to happen. I got my exhaust system fixed (absolutely needed to be done), saw The Simpsons Movie (loved it and plan on seeing it again), got drunk in downtown Billings with a buddy that I haven't seen for a while and went to a bitchin' Queens Of The Stone Age concert. It would have been phenomenal if I could have sky dived in between the Simpsons Movie part and the downtown Billings part. Oh well, shit happens.

I will be going to the motorcycle rally next weekend. I have no idea how that is going to be other than mind-blowing and awesome. I'm glad that I saw a boob-punch once. I am now adequately prepared for Sturgis.

For those of you who don't know what a boob-punch is, you are missing out. I witnessed one the first time that I walked into a strip club. It also happened within the first five minutes of being inside of it. There was a feature girl, Jessica Justice, who had EE boobs. Humongo. At any rate, she grabbed some guy's head and put it between her boobs. She used her left hand to hold her right breast and then took her right hand and punched her right breast. It was awesome. Seriously.

After the rally, I will have another week of work and then it will be back to my college town. I have no idea how much blogging that I will be doing there. It depends on how lazy I feel. In other words, don't expect three posts in one evening. Hell, not even in a week. Peace out, bitches.

If You Don't Like QOTSA...

2007-08-02T20:39:00.000-07:00

Then you are a terrible person and should have to beg for your existence. Just kidding. Well, not really. Fuck you.

I recently attended a concert put on by Queens Of The Stone Age. The happened on July 29th at the Shrine Auditorium in Billings, MT. It's a fucking gymnasium with a stage, but that's besides the point.

Met up with a friend and headed to the concert just a wee bit early so we wouldn't have to worry about not getting a good seat. That wasn't a problem. The warm-up band was Gasoline Angels. I like to refer to them as the "two-man band that played while I stood in line to get more booze." God, it's fun to be able to drink legally.

After consuming four drinks in about two hours, it was time for the show. Yeah, yeah, I know that it wasn't much drinking, but I wanted to be able to recall the performance. Plus, the booze was kind of expensive in there. They also ran out of Budweiser after I had my first drink. Bastards.

Then it was time for the main attraction. They took the stage and said "We're Queens Of The Fucking Stone Age" and then began to play music. Over their set, which lasted about 1 hour and 20 minutes, roughly 50 words were spoken in between songs with average break times in between songs of approximately 5 seconds. They just went for broke. I fucking loved it. I didn't come for conversation.

The gym was dark, hot, loud and pulsing. I remember once thinking to myself, "I hope this is what Hell is like." I already have my first class ticket there, so it better be good. At one point, a fellow concert-goer ran up on stage and planted a kiss on the lead singer's, Josh Homme, cheek. Mr. Homme turned slightly as the guy was running towards him and shoved him down during the peck. He then turned back to the mic and continued singing, seemingly not missing a single beat. During this time, the gentleman kisser was "escorted" off the stage. I hope that kiss was worth some time in the clink, buddy.

I didn't think it was possible to rock as hard as they did for that long, but it happened. I witnessed it. I imagine that it was similar to a Ramones set, except about 50 times more badass and 75 times less greasy and goofy looking.

They "finished" the show with "No One Knows." After they "finished" the lead singer, Josh Homme, was clapping for the audience as a sincere showing of thanks and appreciation. They came back out for an encore and I thought the gym roof was going to blow the fuck off. They played "Song for the Deaf" as their encore with some extended solos. After finishing that, the lead singer was clapping for the audience again showing sincere appreciation. I've never seen anything quite like that.

All in all, it was well worth the money that I paid, the money that I didn't make by taking the next day off work, puking in the sink in my uncle's house and not remember the ride home at closing time in the dive bar right next to the gym. I'm not too fat to enjoy a concert, so that was nice.

You're so fat...

2007-08-02T20:35:00.001-07:00

That you can't even go sky diving. That's true. I have been so busy pummeling this goddamn anorexia that "my weight is an issue" when it comes to jumping out of a plane. For fuck's sake, I've seen cargo dropped out of planes. Vehicles, too. Get me a goddamn tank parachute so I can jump out of your motherfuckin' plane! Is that too fucking much to ask?

I was willing to shell out $190 to experience gravity at its finest. I was waiting for damn near 3 hours before the company even showed up at the airport. I was also doing this off of 5 hours of sleep. Why? Because I was really fucking excited about sky diving.

I called up everybody that I could think of that currently lives in my town to have somebody to go with. Nobody could and it seemed only two were sincerely thinking about it. Fuck me.

Well, I guess they were worried about me pulling the Earth out of its orbit around the Sun.

Rat-A-Tat-Tat That's The Sound Of My Gat

2007-07-22T21:40:00.000-07:00

This is my pistol. There are many like it but this one is mine. My pistol is my best friend. It is my life. I must master it as I must master my life. Without me, my pistol is useless. Without my pistol I am useless. I must fire my pistol true. I must shoot straighter than my enemy, who is trying to kill me. I must shoot him before he shoots me. I will. Before God I swear this creed: my pistol and myself are defenders of my country, we are the masters of my enemy, we are the saviors of my life. So be it, until there is no enemy, but peace. Amen.

That's right. A few days after turning 21, I bought myself a handgun. It's been the best decision that I've ever made. EVER. I love this goddamn thing. Here are some specifics:
Make: GLOCK
Model: 30
Caliber: .45 ACP
Sexy: You bet your ass

Let me just start off by saying that I would have sex with this if it were possible. I just can't feel anything when I try. I'm sorry. It's like throwing a toothpick into a garden hose. I consistently find myself opening up the case, grabbing the GLOCK and waving it around and pointing it at things for no real reason at all. I would open mail with this thing, if I could. It's so damn sexy that when firing it without ear protection, you temporarily lose your hearing.

It's hard for me to believe that I have been deprived of a handgun for 21 years. It's just a travesty. There is no real excuse for this. My kid is going to have a handgun for his fourth birthday. Fuck blowing out the candles; he's going to be shooting those sumbitches out. I really can't say much more about this thing.

I now have my own personal deathwand.

I Didn't Die

2007-07-08T14:30:00.000-07:00

The normal response to that would be "Shit." That's right folks, I made it. I will give you a recap of the night since I have nothing better to do.

There was a wedding reception that I attended, where I started consuming beers at 5 P.M. This was also the first time that I've ever paced myself while drinking. After a while, I decided that I wasn't going to buy any more drinks for myself. This was around 9 P.M.

T.K.O.S. was the only person to buy a drink for the next few hours. Cheap bastards. At about 11, I was becoming relatively sober since I refused to pay for any drinks. I called some people before I got hammered so I wouldn't have to make the, "I'm sorry and I hope that I didn't say anything embarrassing to you last night on the phone" call.

I then decided that I was going to walk home and change clothes, since I was wearing some relatively nice ones. Well, that and the fact that I had nothing else to do since I stopped drinking and I don't like socializing or dancing, so the reception was becoming worthless to me. At any rate, I changed clothes so I wouldn't destroy them, dropped the kids off at the pool and told my mom "I don't have time for this chit-chat. I have to shit and then I need to get downtown so I can get drunk." Just thought that you should know that.

I walked back while making some more of those phone calls (I realize that I am an odd fellow). We finally get going downtown and at the first had a shot and then I got to take two body shots off of some lovely ladies. The only problem is that their boyfriends (one being T.K.O.S.) were standing right behind me. I was instructed that I couldn't kiss them. I'm a good boy so I complied.

We wandered to the next bar and had a few shots. Headed to the next bar and the same thing happened. I even got some females to buy me drinks. That will be the last time that ever happens. Please note that I was the ringleader at the time, being the soberest one out of the group.

We then headed to the last bar. There were actually people in there and I got quite a few free drinks. I also got a paddle whapped against my ass. Fun fun. I actually said "Thank you ma'am." I did not, however, ask for another. After they scolded me for not paying attention to the "Closing Time" announcement, I started going back to all of the other bars.

That's right. I wasn't drunk enough for my 21st birthday. I was the sole driving force behind me getting smashed. Aren't I awesome?

One bar was closed. The next one would only let me buy two shots and no more. Bastards. I need booze, not apologies. The last bar of the night was empty and I suppose it was a bit past closing time. The bartender sympathized with my cause. However, I was made up a three cup shot that had tomato juice as the last cup. Yuck. I drank everything put in front of me though.

That bartender was even nice enough to give me a ride home. Hooray, him! I think he had a convertible, but this was the point where I was getting doomed. Oh, and just so everybody knows: no more fucking tequila shots or shots with tequila in them. Fucking pricks. *This includes myself because I believe that I bought a Prairie Fire shot (tobasco sauce + tequila) for myself.* I bet that I had at least 7 drinks with tequila in it. That's not how to make me happy.

I don't really remember the ride home. I woke up in bed with all my clothes on. I was even under the covers. If I'm drunk, I usually just strip down to my boxer-briefs (that's right ladies) and ~~pass out~~ fall asleep in those. This is where it gets interesting.

I had a bad taste in my mouth this morning, but couldn't really tell what it was from. The tomato juice was my guess. I may have been right, but not how I was thinking about it. I was talking with my grandma this morning and she noticed that I had something on my shirt. I looked down and saw that the bottom of my socks were also covered. I had puked, but where?

I went to the bathroom next to my room, but no puke. I looked at my shoes, but no puke. I went to my room and found puke. Remember those clothes that I changed out of? Well, apparently I thought that pile was actually a target. Boy, I hit the bullseye. Irony 1 Me 0. I then spent the next half an hour hosing off clothes and cleaning up my room.

Happy Birthday Me!

Tonight I Sit On The Eve Of My Demise

2007-07-06T21:42:00.000-07:00

Or as everybody else would say, "Happy Birthday!" That's right, it's my 21st birthday. My birthday isn't really until Sunday, but at midnight on Saturday night, it's on like Donkey Kong. There will also be a wedding reception going on previous to my birthday, but that, as well as the earth, shall stop once the clock strikes twelve. This might be the most important day of my life.

I never thought I would live this long. Let me tell you a secret, though. The biggest treat for me isn't going to be being able to purchase alcohol, since I had more access to it than some adults do. No, my loyal readers; the biggest treat for me is going to be able to buy a handgun. Fuck yeah. Think I am going to go with a GLOCK that should look like the one pictures (sans pink and green).

As for how I am going to spend my birthday, I have a good idea: curled up in the fetal position and convulsing, when not vomiting. I tend to not handle celebrations well (read as: I get way too fucking plastered and don't want to stop). It's going to be worse when people start shoving booze down my throat. Here's to the end of me!

Enjoy hauling my fat ass around in a coffin.

Whoops

2007-06-19T19:35:00.000-07:00

Sorry about not keeping things up to date. Ah, who the fuck am I kidding? I might as well go write on a wall somewhere. It will probably reach more people if I did that; I would have to do it on a bathroom stall, though. I have been 9,000,000 times as busy as I thought I would be this summer.

That's no exaggeration. I brought home somewhere in the ballpark of 25 books that I intended on reading through (for the first time or again). I also brought home all of my movies, so if I got tired of reading, I could watch a movie. I've read one book so far and watched one of my own movies. Plans are for mice, I guess.

So what has my summer consisted of? Let me lay it all down for you faithful reader(s). I have been sleeping, working (somebody even pays me!), shooting things (living, recently deceased and other), helping T.K.O.S. coach baseball (I'm like a sexy equipment manager, minus the sexy), and getting his (T.K.O.S.'s) house ready for him to move into (along with his girlfriend). I have also been hanging out with friends that I haven't seen for a long time, drinking, feeding the ducks, refraining from calling a few females "cunts" to their face (and not in a polite voice), playing a teeny tiny bit of computer games (I also brought my desktop home which has so many games on it that I will never finish them and accomplish anything substantial at the same time) and various other shit.

Besides, I'm lazy.

I lost all urge to update right around the end of school, because it was all about the relaxation. Then my dumbass decided that I should start work on May 14th. To put this in perspective, my last day of finals was May 10th. I'm a fucking idiot.

My goals for the summer include updating this more regularly, losing some weight (I'm fatter now than I've ever been), making it past my 21st birthday (I'm convinced that I'm dying that night), not getting fired and last but not least, enjoying this summer.

I might be able to catch a Queens Of The Stone Age (QOTSA) concert this summer. I haven't been this stoked for a concert in, let's see.....ever. Yep. As for now, I might play a bit of a computer game before I get to bed. Working early sucks. Balls. I am just not a morning person, so it takes quite a bit for me to get up and functioning early. And by quite a bit, I mean sleep. Lots and lots of it. Well, I hope you have enjoyed my scribblings on the bathroom stall. I always read them when I take my kids to the pool.

Some of the most valuable lessons you will ever learn are scribbled on a bathroom stall.

I'm Mad As Hell

2007-04-16T20:11:00.000-07:00

I was reading a newspaper article today that pissed me right the fuck off. I imagine that I will be pissed about it for a long, long time to come. The link is here.

Here's a quick run-down of the situation for those of you too lazy to check out the link (which includes all two of you): dog is 1.5 miles away from home on a woman's (last name Gee) property and threatens her children (ages 5, 3 and 2); woman shoots dog (twice); owners (last name Saarels) of dog are pissing and moaning and trying to get a lawsuit.

I'm just going to unleash a multi-pronged argument.

Here's the end of the fucking discussion: the dog was not under the supervision or control of its owners and was on another person's property. Having a pet is a responsibility. A pet needs to be cared for and watched after. The dog was also threatening the children. Just in case you didn't know, a dog can do a decent amount of damage to children. Just clearing that up.

If that mother decides that it's necessary to defend her family with a hunting rifle, which is readily accessible, then my blessing is with her. She is calling the shots (no pun intended) at that moment. She gets bonus points for shooting a .30-06 with 180 grain bullets. That's exactly what I shoot. She also hit the dog twice, which isn't shabby.

If you believe that the killing was unnecessary, well fuck you. I decided a long time ago that I would easily take an animal's life if that animal was about to take the life of a human. If you think that a human's life isn't anymore important than an animal's life, there's no hope for you. I don't see any other animals reading this. Remember, if you don't eat them, they will eat you. Always.

I have checked out the owners' website, which is dedicated solely to this ~~sad excuse for a~~ cause, so I could hear their side of the story. I found a few interesting things on their site.

Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter. –Martin Luther King, Jr.

And while it is true that our neighbor delivered our dog to us in a Hefty trash bag, informing us “it wasn’t pretty”, in so doing, she also destroyed key evidence surrounding Marbles’ death. And so, we are left to wonder…

How likely is it that Marbles would venture onto the neighbor’s property which is 1-1/2 miles away over mountainous terrain laden with snow, for the first time in 8 years and end up dead within a half hour of being let out of the house to go pee?

Our neighbor claims that Marbles growled at her 3 children while they were playing in her yard. Her children were, in fact, safe at home when she shot our 45 pound Marbles, who was wearing a bright red collar with nametags, twice with a .30-.06 rifle using 180 grain bullets. There is no justification for shooting a dog to death from behind at 25 yards when it clearly poses no threat. Yet, the woman was reported as saying “she would do it again in a heartbeat.”

Ahem, allow me to retort.

On the first point:
You decided to bring in Martin Luther King, Jr. into the discussion? Really? You're serious? That's funny, I don't ever remember MLK talking about the rights of dogs on property that doesn't belong to their owners. That must be in the unabridged version of the I Have a Dream speech. I guess ya learn something new every single day. (This argument was constructed with some aid from craig.)

On the second point:
Them saying "we are left to wonder..." sounds like a very subtle pointing of the finger to me. If the woman was really guilty of slaying a dog, would she have taken the body of the dog back to the owners? I fucking doubt it. If I would have done something like that for my own personal enjoyment (this is purely hypothetical, I don't condone the slaying of pets for personal enjoyment) I sure as hell wouldn't have given the body back to the owners. It would have been buried or burned.

On the third point:
You couldn't have used the word "urinate" instead of "pee"? What kind of uncivilized assholes are you? Fuck, learn some goddamn manners. Yet another instance of a subtle pointing of the finger is in this passage (How likely...first time in eight years...). Please let it be known that they
"took every precaution for Marbles’ safety by having an invisible electric fence installed to enclose 10 acres of our property and had her duly trained to respect the boundaries. This fence has been in operation since 1999."
Yet, the dog was 1.5 miles away. Interesting. According to the article, a neighbor claims that he has seen the dog several times over the past few years.

Bill Devine, who lives about a mile from the Saarels' house, said he had seen Marbles on his property about six times over the past two or three years, traveling with another dog that belonged to Saarels.
"I'd always watch myself around the one that got shot," Devine said.

It seems that the Saarels' are implying that two people are lying. *Cough*Libel*Cough* I'm calling bullshit on their electric fence argument. The dog has been repeatedly seen away from home. Good job on watching over your dog, fucksticks.

On the fourth point:
The word "claims" wasn't in bold on their website, but was italicized. It's hard to italicize something in italics. They sure are making a lot of implications. If I didn't know any better, I'd say that they were making vague suggestions to get people to rally behind their cause, even if some, or all, of these suggestions were not true. Interesting. They also seemed to like to use a lot of numbers in this section. They seemed to have left out the ages of the children. That's funny, I have no idea why they would do that. Just for some perspective, a coyote is capable of weighing 45 lbs (it'd be a pretty good-sized one, but it's reasonable) and I wouldn't want a large coyote around my kids. Oh, and it's ".30-06" not ".30-.06". Get it right.

My favorite part of the article was at the very end.
Gee said she felt bad for the dog and "bawled all the way to Saarels' house" after she shot it. But the safety of her children comes first, she said. "I'm not putting an animal above my kids and I'm not going to be second guessed or questioned on their safety."

She understands what she did and stands by her decision. I applaud that. I have absolutely no problem with her saying that she would do it again. She felt that her children were endangered and did what she thought was necessary to protect them. The owners of the dog weren't there, so they actually don't know what the situation was like. They are just pointing fingers and trying to rally up sympathy and support.

This is going to be the other random bits of my argument (which is right, by the way.) I've never met a woman that finds joy in killing pets for fun. I would have to say that this is proof that she felt an imminent threat on her children's lives (which destroys the legal argument that they are trying to make.) Also, just look at the fucking dog. That's the best picture they could use of the dog, while it was living, to gain sympathy? My mugshot looked more inviting. They owners also claim that the whole incident was murder. When I look up murder in Dictionary.com, the first entry that comes up deals with a human killing another human. This was a fucking dog. The owners also hope to see 500 people at the dog's funeral. This is unbe-fucking-lievable. I won't have that many people at my own funeral. This is a goddamn dog, okay? I remember crying when my first dog was put down. It bit somebody, so we had to put it down. You know what I did? I got over it.

I also just checked out Mrs. Saarel's photography website. This confirms another suspicion that I had. She's originally not from around here. She grew up on "the beaches of Southern California." I predicted this right when I first read the article, and I was right on the fucking money. Game. Set. Match. Me. I wasn't even going to play the out-of-stater card here, but it perfectly explains everything wrong with this situation. Goddamn I absolutely hate this town and all of the out-of-staters in it.

Just so we're clear, I would have shot the dog too, had I been in her situation. However, there would have only been one shot necessary.

If you don't agree with me, well fuck you. Your shitty beliefs will never be given credit in my eyes. We just simply cannot be friends.

An Ode To...

2007-03-27T12:52:00.000-07:00

Who has been there for me as long as I can remember?

Who was there for me on long, lonely nights?

Who was there for me during family vacations to help pass the time?

Who was there for me whenever I had an upset stomach and would spend countless hours locked up in the man's sanctuary?

Who was there for me when I would wake up groggy and angry while preparing for the day?

Who has made the long and arduous hours of work fly by as if they were moments?

Who gives so much to me everyday while asking oh so little from me?

Who was there for me when I spent a night in the clink?

Who can turn a bad day around with a roll of the dice?

Who am I speaking about?

Who can it be?

Why, it's the one and only.....................YAHTZEE!

The Last Dragon

2007-03-15T23:21:00.000-07:00

I watched this movie numerous times when I was younger and was reminded of it a few days ago. I managed to obtain a copy of the movie, which was made in 1985, and enjoyed the last fight scene last night. (The picture on the right is of the bad guy and his crew. Sadly, I couldn't think of any way to improve this picture with some cheesy editing. It's just that damn good.) Two people start glowing (almost as much as I do) during the fight and the hero catches a bullet with his teeth after beating up Sho'nuff, the kung-fu bad guy. Plus, it has it's own theme song that was playing during the fight. I will type out all of the lyrics for the song (that somehow manages to be 7:26 long; the portion that is played during the majority of the fight scene will be in bold):

Take life one day at a time
That's what a wise man said to me
He said "Life in all its complexity
Is the ultimate test for you and me"
When you walk holding your head up high
Former masters watching you from the sky
I know not what trouble lies ahead
Before you fight, use your head
It's time to leave the nest
Where you were born
This journey you must make alone
(Spread your wings and fly, fly, fly)
There's a power deep inside you
An inner strength
You'll find in time of need
(The Glow)

Like the season love will come and go
When it's right you'll automatically know
The walls of mystery exist pulling at your head
When you become one with yourself
The wall, will fall
The journey now before you
Is the final test
You've learned your lesson well
(I can't teach you no more)
There's a power deep inside you
An inner strength
You'll find in time of need
(The Glow)
You are The Last Dragon
You possess the power of The Glow (x 11)

As you can see, nothing but the best for my readers.

Here's To New Found Success

2007-03-04T01:35:00.000-07:00

With the ladies. My current success in that department is well below sub-standard. Also, I am writing this stone cold sober at about 2 AM while listening to some Biggie. I am that fucking awesome. I have not been drunk since the Super Bowl, which was February 4, 2007. That's almost a month. Holy Christ. Apparently my New Year's resolution (besides gaining weight, which seems to be working) was to be nice to my bitch-ass liver. Hope you are happy, you little bastard. Prepare to be annihilated this summer. At any rate, the lines that follow may come out of my mouth at some point. Since I really can't get much worse, why the fuck not? Enjoy:

Those are some lovely pantaloons that you are wearing. I would be pleased if you took them off in my presence.

Look at this scar on the back of my neck. *Show her the scar* I broke my neck with my own car. Wanna do it?

My middle name is Wayne. Would you like to see my fountain of Wayne?

I see that you have red hair. You're a whore, do me. (This is based on T.K.O.S.'s theory that all redheads are whores. I have yet to see evidence to prove otherwise.)

Ding ding ding! Tell her what she's won Johnny. An opportunity to wake me up with a blow job.

Baby, I can please you slightly more than a transient, who is having sex for food, would.

Will you give me something to beat off to? (Oh shit, I've used that one.)

Do you like the feel of boobs?
*If YES* I have some nice ones that you can play with.
*If NO* Maybe I can help change your mind.

I would love to ravage your body after I finish up an 8 hour video game session.

Listen here. I must deposit my sperm into your woman-cave. I hope that you understand.

Here's a coupon for you. It is redeemable for a night alone with me. I've been told numerous times by women that I couldn't pay them a million dollars to spend a night alone with me. That means this coupon is worth over a million dollars, and I know how your kind likes money.

If I Was Only Allowed To Listen To 10 Albums For The Rest Of My Life

2007-02-25T00:07:00.000-07:00

I would listen to these ones:

1. Nirvana - MTV Unplugged In New York
It's my favorite album of all time. Simple as that.

2. Metallica - S & M (technically a 2 CD set, but I will count it as one album)
I am a big fan of live albums if they are done correctly, and this one has a symphony playing with one of my favorite bands.

3. Pantera - Vulgar Display Of Power
This is my pissed-off album. Enough said.

4. Nickel Creek - Why Should The Fire Die?
This gets played an incredible amount on my mp3 player. Can be very mellowing, which is extremely important.

5. Nine Inch Nails - The Fragile
Also a double-disc album. I spent a fair amount of time deciding on this or on My Chemical Romance - The Black Parade. This album provides a little more variety overall (in the sense of genres) and I think it is a stronger album from start to finish.

6. Queens Of The Stone Age - Songs For The Deaf
This was playing when I rolled my car. It was always the odds-on favorite to be playing in my car at any time. It is just high quality.

7. Jay-Z - Reasonable Doubt
The Black Album by Jay-Z should be here, but I skip the first two tracks of that album every time that I listen to it. I do not skip any tracks on this album, and listen to it about as much. Plus, Reasonable Doubt has Biggie on a track.

8. The Good, The Bad & The Ugly Soundtrack
Not usually a fan of soundtracks, but I absolutely love this one.

9. Guns N' Roses - Appetite For Destruction
It was between this one and a Led Zeppelin album. In my opinion, most Zep albums are on about the same level. This Guns N' Roses album is significantly better than any other album that they put out.

10. Johnny Cash - At Folsom Prison
I had to put a country album in, for fuck's sake. I also had to have some Johnny Cash on here. I went with one of his landmark albums which happens to be recorded in a prison. Even better.

My Father

2007-02-12T21:57:00.000-07:00

This post is obviously about my father (pictured on the right.) I don't know if he knows how I feel about him, and that's perfectly fine as me. One day I may link him to this post or actually tell him how I feel. However, he's the kind of guy that you rarely see cry (I've only seen it once and I was crying too) and emotions are rarely talked about with him. I wouldn't have it any other way, actually.

There are a few things that you should know about my father. First of all, I believe that he has had some form of facial hair since he was in the sixth grade. My mother has never seen him cleanly shaved, which I think is really fucking awesome. He loves to hunt and fish. He is also addicted to doing work outside of his job, with a lot of it being volunteer work. He is the hardest working man that I know, and I am one of the laziest that I know. He has told me to get off my fat, lazy ass and do something a time or two. I have no problem with that, actually.

I have no problem with talking to my father on the phone. The conversations are remarkably short and get straight to the point. (This is great because I am a terrible conversationalist over the phone. Ask anybody that I regularly talk with. I do a lot of listening and not much talking. There are often long pauses when I talk on the phone.) He is one of the few people that I actually enjoy getting phone calls from. I've only talked with him for over an hour once, on the phone, and I was completely shitfaced.

What makes my father stand out to me is his reliability. Whenever I make plans with my friends, the success rate hovers around 10%. Whenever I make plans with myself, the success rate is somewhere around 50%. Whenever I make plans with my father, the success rate is somewhere around 90%. It's impeccable. One thing that I hate doing is going back on my word. My father isn't one to go back on his, either. He's much better at it than I am, though. If I ask him for a favor or for some help, I receive it on time. He's like a machine in that aspect.

I have no idea how I will ever be able to repay him or even find somebody to come close to his reliability. If I had to put my life in somebody else's hands, he is my number one choice by a long, long ways (I would be my second choice.) There is one thing that I have always told myself that I would do in honor of him. So far I have held up with my agreement to myself.

When my father was younger, his parents divorced. Instead of living with one parent or the other, he lived with a friend and his family. I don't know much about this friend because my father rarely talks about him. I do know that his friends got into drugs. His drug addiction ultimately resulted in his suicide.

Once again, I do not know the extent of his drug addiction. I do, however, know what my father's views on drugs are. He is staunchly against them, with the exception of alcohol. So in my mind, I can honor my father by staying away from drugs. So far, I have done just that. I also have no urges to try any drugs (besides alcohol, which I have experienced numerous times) and doubt I ever will. My father, who is very far from being emotional, avoiding talking about a certain part of his past has been far more of an anti-drug than anything else that I can possibly imagine.

I do not hate people who use drugs. They just aren't for me. That's all.

P.S. That picture is of my father dragging a deer out of a river. My brother shot the deer and it died in the river, so my father retrieved the deer in his skivvies. He does not actually have a brown rectangle for a head or wear shirts with a swirly white design.

Turn Around, Douchebag

2007-02-12T21:36:00.000-07:00

This morning I was sitting in my first class of the day. This class runs from 8:00 - 8:50 AM. The class is titled "Physical Chemistry II." It deals with thermodynamics, which I have already had a class on, but immediately reduces my intelligence for attending. Basically, the class is the bastard child of all thing unholy, mathematics and thermodynamics via a chemist's twisted views.

Today, I was chatting with my friends. Every time that I said something, this kid a row in front of me and a few seats over would look back. Subtlety just doesn't fucking work on me. I kept thinking that he heard his name and/or thought that we were talking about him. However, this was not the case. About the time that I figured this out, he turned around and shushed me while nodding. I nodded back and said "OK," since I am not that much of a dick. The more I thought about it, the more it pissed me off.

Now I am in sort of a dilemma. Is it fine for me to talk with my friends? Should I care about what that guy thinks? Should I fuck with him more?

I will state the conclusions that I have come to. I think it is just fine for me to talk with my friends during this fucking brutal class. We sit in the back. The last row. If we were any further back, we'd be through the window and on the roof. There are plenty of seats up in the front for this douchebag to sit in so he isn't "disturbed" by people, sitting in the back, who are chatting amongst themselves. I just try to keep my friends awake during the class and keep their minds off of contemplating suicide.

This guy is obviously too uptight for life if he is sitting in the back and worrying about people talking. That's why people sit in the back if there are empty chairs. To fucking talk. My friends feel the exact same way about the situation and about the guy. We refer to him as the "gomer." I suspect that he is a chemistry major, because only (bio)chemists and chemical engineers should be in that class, and he is not in any of my engineering classes and I don't recall every seeing him on our Chemical Engineering floor.

So what am I going to do the rest of the semester? The same thing that I've been doing all year. Chatting with my friends while sitting in the back of the room. If that fucking douchebag wants peace and quiet, he can fucking move up. If he continues to shush me, I will probably threaten to shove his DC shoes right up his ass or tell him to move to the front. My friends and I have also considered talking more during class just to be pricks. We've also considered fucking with the guy with things such as placing snow on his chair and what not.

Don't give me that bullshit about paying for the class either. One of my friends is an out-of-state student so he pays a fucking shitload to go to school here. He has no problems talking during a class that is brutal, boring, monotonous and confusing at the same time. I am still convinced that our teacher is a fucking android. He has the shiftiest eyes that I've ever seen. The lesson is as follows: don't be a bitch.

Why There Needs To Be A Monument Built In My Lordly Honor

2007-01-26T22:49:00.000-07:00

This is the post where I get to complete exaggerate about my accomplishments in life and my personality. Please be forewarned that some of this may not be true at all, but who's counting? Anyways, onto my effort of kissing my own ass. My back is really going to hurt after this one.

Look at me. I fucking glow! I walk around with this aura just flowing from my body that also is so awesome it actually gives off a white light directly from my body and makes the air around me turn blue. Bet your bitch ass can't do that. I also have the uncanny ability to make myself be colored in only black and white.

Speaking of my body, I also have an ample and furry bosom. I believe the ladies love to cuddle with it, and at the snap of my fingers it turns into raging pecs capable of mass destruction. Ever heard of Mount St. Helens? How the hell do you think that happened?

I was recently told that I have veins like "deep rivers." I used quotes because this is 100% true, as opposed to 99.995% true (which is where everything else falls at.) I'm still not sure what having veins like deep rivers actually means; I can only assume that it was some sort of phlebotomist speak which directly translates to "I want to be on you now."

Every time that I take a shit, the toilet ceases to work. This is due to the colossal amount of mass and volume along with the velocity at which the shit escapes my body. The best part is that a haz-mat squad has to come and clean up the mess every time that I shit. This is because my shit is contaminated with smallpox. However, I do not have smallpox. My immune system should have epic poems written about it.

There's a reason that I don't have a girlfriend. If I ever show any interest in a girl, the feeling of me being interested in them completely overwhelms them like the shock wave from a nuclear explosion. The girls have no idea how to handle this intense feeling, so they usually end up climbing a tree and staying there until firemen come down. This is how firemen meet women. I'm responsible for firemen's love lives.

I am also capable of Jedi Mind Tricks. I first discovered this power on January 27, 1991. You may know this date as Super Bowl XXV where the Giants beat the Bills. This is the famous 'wide right' game. As the ball left Scott Norwood's foot, it was headed to go right between the uprights. I felt the urge to make the Bills suffer, so I made sure that it sailed wide right. Sorry Scott.

I am capable of asexual reproduction if I ever feel the need to use that talent. However, this does not mean that I have both sets of genitalia. If I did, I would be fucking myself right now. Seriously.

The reason that any civilization or empire falls isn't internal problems. It's because there were numerous and diverse prophecies that all centered on me being born. Those civilizations became far too scared at the thought of me, so they just decided to implode. Don't let anybody else tell you otherwise.

Prohibition was also based on those prophecies about me being born. The real reason that it occurred wasn't due to moral issues or anything of that nature. It was an attempt to stock up enough alcohol for my consumption after these prophecies were fulfilled. They knew what the world would be in for if the alcohol ran out. I would have single-handedly (my other hand would have been playing with my junk) knocked our planet out of orbit which would ultimately lead to Earth crashing into the sun. I would then have treated the sun as a big jawbreaker and proceeded to crush that bitch after a few hours of serious salivating and licking. Then I would have hung out on Jupiter. Prohibition, however, saved all of that from happening. Everything is going to be OK.

I haven't lost a poker game in 5 years. I play every other Thursday evening in a winner-take-all game with a few people that you might know. They are God, Satan, John Wayne, Ted Nugent and the Tooth Fairy. The Tooth Fairy had to fill in for the Easter Bunny. The Easter Bunny had been dealing from the bottom of the deck, so John Wayne blasted it completely out of existence. Following that, we were treated to a 15 minute guitar solo by Ted Nugent that left Satan in tears.

My semen has a pH of 1.0. It also has another interesting characteristic which impacts the world. My semen depletes the ozone layer. Don't let all that scientific mumbo jumbo fool you. It's not CFCs or any other industrial chemicals. Automobile exhaust also has nothing whatsoever to do with the depletion of the ozone. It's because my semen is somewhat volatile and escapes into the atmosphere. Upon arrival, it begins to devour the ozone layer. It does the same thing with ovaries and fallopian tubes.

Why I Hate

2007-01-25T17:34:00.000-07:00

I often hear people complaining about the emotion 'hate'. I've never understood what the problem with hate actually is. Hell, it's probably my favorite emotion. I'm going to try to defend my favorite emotion. So back off, you hate-disliking pussies. The game is afoot.

Often can be heard the saying "Without sadness, one would not know happiness," or something pretty damn close to that. I like this saying quite a bit and believe in the message that it is trying to get across. Why not apply it to hate? "Without hate, one would not know love." That's right. People who claim they don't hate are actually people who don't love. Or they are just full of shit. Either way, they're the one looking bad in my eyes, which is all that matters here (in case you haven't noticed.)

People are often excited to see a person with a passionate personality. I often hear this phrase: "Well, as long as he's passionate about something..." That seems to imply that being passionate about something is perfectly acceptable. Well, I am. I happen to be very passionate about my hatred.

Some of my most creative moments are spawned by hatred. Sometimes I feel that I draw inspiration and motivation from hatred. As long as I am able to turn it into something constructive and useful, does it really matter where I get my inspiration and motivation from? No, as long as I'm not breaking the law. Hate isn't illegal, as long as it remains an emotion and doesn't spawn into a criminal action, which I don't plan to do (hate crimes often receive severe punishment.)

I'm going to keep hating until the day I die, and there isn't a goddamn thing that anybody can do about it. Plus, this will make it possible for me to know love, which I hear is useful for females and stuff. And I still get to drink all the Haterade that I want. Sounds good to me.

Oh, The Gloves Are Off Now

2007-01-24T21:13:00.000-07:00

I have no choice but to write an angry blog telling you how angry I am. That's right, Governor Brian Schweitzer, I'm talking to you. I think you have crossed the line with me. I will chronicle how you approached the line and then showed blatant disregard for it while crossing it, even letting your fucking dog (at least it's not a goddamn cat, though) Jag take a shit on it and not having the decency to clean it up. Asshole.

The first way in which the line was approached occurred during Cat/Griz '05. T.K.O.S. spotted Schweitzer and then pointed him out to me. Shortly after, he yelled out his last name and waved. Schweitzer waved back, which was nice. The rest of the day was very disappointing. He was not wearing any Cat or Griz paraphernalia and showed no signs of who he was rooting for. I believe he was still running for Governor at this point, but that's still a pussy move, especially since he received his Master of Soil Science degree from MSU-Bozeman. Later on, somebody at our tailgate offered him a beer and declined. Another pussy move.

Let's move on. The next time he infuriated me was during the fall semester of 2006 when I watched the University of Montana Grizzlies play their homecoming game via the television. He was interviewed at some point during the game, sporting all sorts of Griz apparel, and said that he was a Griz fan 364 days of the year. That's fine and dandy because that means he is a Bobcat fan during Cat/Griz. However, I am convinced that he is full of shit. He also appeared at our (Bobcat) homecoming game and was sporting plenty of Bobcat apparel. Therefore I am only left to assume that he was rooting for the Cats that day, bringing the total to 2 days of the year. It wasn't a leap year either, so obviously he is lying. Dick. (Don't try to tell me he was rooting for the Griz at the same time he was rooting for the Cats while being all decked out in Cat gear at Bobcat Stadium because that is just pure evil and is not acceptable for alumni.)

The final fucking straw was today. I have no idea who is ultimately responsible for this, but he is fucking shouldering the blame for this one. He gave his 'State of the State' address tonight. It was aired on two channels, PBS and NBC. None of the other major broadcast channels aired this talk. This is all fine and dandy except for one glaring detail. He did this during the 'Friday Night Lights' TV show. I have only missed one episode that aired on TV (thanks to a project for school), but I watched it on the internet over the break. I am completely up to date on that show, except for tonight. His speech, which went longer than he said it would, completely cut off 'Friday Night Lights'. That is wholly unacceptable. Various insults were shouted with everything culminated with me roaring out "FUCK!" when it was announced that we would be going back to 'Deal or No Deal'. This was incredible because I simply cannot stand that show, even in small doses.

I don't care who you run against Schweitzer. I am not voting for you during next election. I could care less how much good that you may or may not have done for this state in the next few years. I will either vote for your opposition or write-in a candidate. Right now the leading candidate for that is Mr. Doug Swingley. If you haven't heard of him, he is the Montanan who won the Iditarod sled dog race 4 times now and was the first non-Alaskan to win the race.

Da Super Bowl

2007-01-22T22:21:00.000-07:00

Well, I am going to make my thoughts and predictions for events surrounding the Super Bowl publicly known. I have had quite a few of my predictions to be dead on, but if you predict enough shit, some of it is bound to happen. For further proof, see The Bible. At any rate, on to the Super Bowl talk.

I will spend hours praying that Manning chokes horribly in the big game. I will also spend hours wishing for some sort of personal injury to Manning, as well. All this will prove is that the power of prayer is a joke. I mean, if you can't pray for personal injury or failure towards Peyton Manning, what can you pray for?

There better not be a remake of the Super Bowl Shuffle. I don't want a damn remix either. What I do want is for the Bears to find a way to revive Walter "Sweetness" Payton from his grave so he can score a touchdown in the Super Bowl. Dick move on Ditka's part. Big time.

There also better not be a knock-off version of Bill Swerski's Superfans. If it gets remade in any way, it can only contain the original members. Some more voodoo magic should be applied liberally to revive Chris Farley for this. Then, and only then, will it be completely acceptable.

Prince definitely needs to rock the assless chaps for the half time show. Any other wardrobe simply won't get the job done.

Brett Favre should come out for the coin toss. They brought out Tom Brady last year, although he might have been closer to retirement than Favre was at that time. The Favre coin toss can only happen with one stipulation: we don't hear anything about him until he gets inducted into Canton.

Time for my prediction. Here's what I will be hoping for: Bears 55 Colts 0. Since God obviously doesn't want me to live or be happy (bastard), here's what probably will happen: Peyton Manning and the Indianapolis Colts finally win the Big One. That sounds so depressing.

It's Been Awhile

2007-01-13T23:29:00.000-07:00

I know, I know. I have been on vacation for almost a month now. I have done little to nothing for the majority of that time. Why wasn't I blogging up a storm during my break? That's a perfectly valid question, until you remember that I am fucking lazy. It seems that most of my blogging productivity comes when I actually have things that I need to get done. Lately, I get everything that I need to get done in a big burst and then relax for a while. It's nice.

I suppose that I should give a recap of my break. I will take a shot at this. The catch is that I will only mention things that are legal and morally tasteful.

I slept and woke up. I ate and drank non-alcoholic beverages. I sighted in my rifle and reloaded some ammunition. I changed the oil in my pickup. I ran some errands for my dad. I saw some classmates and even played a little bit of ping-pong and billiards. I watched TV. I reformatted my laptop and ordered parts to build a new computer. I helped T.K.O.S. move his stuff from South Dakota back to The Dive. I also read 5 books.

That's about it. Exciting, huh? The juicy details are mostly illegal and/or morally distasteful. I chose not to discuss this sort of thing at this point in time.

Life has been shitting on me lately. The start of this major dumping from God was when I decided to wake up early and reload some more shells before I headed back to Bozeman. Well, I didn't use enough lube (you sick bastards) on the shell casing and it got stuck in the dye. I spent a good half-hour to an hour trying to get the damn casing out. I ultimately failed and decided to just forget it and do it during Spring Break, which is the next time that I plan on being home (thanks to a dentist appointment for my crooked and chipped teeth from the accident.)

I headed for Bozeman later that day after having a delicious meal with T.K.O.S. at a shady establishment. I was mildly drowsy, but that never was a problem on this trip. There were a few problems on this trip, however. At one point, my pickup decided to kick itself out of 2-High and go into Neutral. I was in cruise control at the time and got to witness the needle plunging deep into the red area. Fun stuff. I pulled over and tried to figure out what the hell just happened. After I got that all figured out, I drove back on the interstate and kept on cruising.

The next problem occurred somewhere about 20 miles east of Livingston. I went by a car at a rather high speed and pondered if I should slow down or not. Up until this point, the roads had been completely fine and there were no signs to show me otherwise. I decided that if the vehicle decided to wander on me a little bit, I would slow down. Well, not a few seconds after I decided that, I saw a sign on the side of the road that said 'Slippery When Wet.' Right after seeing that sign, my ass-end decided to wander a little bit, so I kicked off the cruise control. God is one ironic bastard. I then spent the next quarter-mile or so (just a guess, but a pretty good one) correcting fishtailing to both sides. On my left was a concrete barrier, and on my right was a ditch with plenty of reflector poles. I quickly decided that if I had a choice, I would go with the right.

After numerous ill-fated corrections, I had slowed down considerably, from about 75 mph to 35 mph, or so. It was around this point that I was close to finally losing control of the vehicle. I decided that I was going at a reasonable speed to try to stop myself before I ended up going off the road (which was where I would have been headed) too fast and then rolling the pickup. I slammed on the brakes and held on. My ass-end went whipping around. I basically spun half of a cookie on the shoulder of the interstate. I narrowly missed a reflector pole (by a couple of feet) and manage to emerge unscathed. I did drive a hell of a lot slower the rest of the way, and it was in 4-high.

One of the reasons that I came up to Bozeman was to build my new computer (case is pictured.) I received all of the parts Friday morning. I spent the rest of Friday attempting to piece together my computer using my (little) knowledge and the help of manuals. When I decided that I was ready to give it a whirl, I turned it on. And nothing happened. At all. It just made a bad smell. No sound, no moving parts that I could detect.

Shortly before this time that I was going to pick up my friend. It's been rather cold in Bozeman (it was -21F earlier that morning) and my pickup decided that it didn't want to start. I kept trying, but could get it going. Now the battery is dead. I attempted to start it today, but once again, nothing happened.

I think things are going to be turning around though. I had ordered some software through eBay so that I could connect my phone to my computer and transfer pictures and ringtones and what not. When I finally got it all set up, I found that my phone was unable to do this.

However, the Internet is a wonderful place and I found how to 'edit' my phone to make this possible, along with some additional software. Now I have the Bond theme as a ringer and Nelson's (of The Simpsons) "Ha Ha!" as a text message alert. Other ringtones that I have on my phone include: Star Wars Imperial Death March, Shawn "The Showstopper" Michaels' (a.k.a. The Heartbreak Kid) wrestling theme music, the Rocky theme, Pink Panther theme, the Muppets theme, the Mortal Kombat music [where somebody yells 'Mortal Kombat!' and then techno music starts playing (I know that I'm a nerd but I love that song and it's the only techno that is acceptable)], a line from Army of Darkness ("Give me some sugar baby") and a ringer from Crank (I haven't seen the movie) that makes me think that it perfectly emulates what a telephone would sound like if Salvador Dali had created it.

I also placed two pictures on my phone. One is of Stacy Keibler and her magnificent ass. The other picture is of Johnny Cash and his stern middle finger. Both are quality pictures. I also was able to copy all of the pictures on my phone and place them on my computer. This software and cord already paid for itself. T.K.O.S. knows exactly what I am talking about.

I should have some good help with my computer here in two days, and I don't have school until Friday the 19th. I also only have class MWF from 8AM-2PM with a break from noon-1PM. I've been looking forward to this schedule for a while now. If we end up getting a 4-day weekend, it's actually a 6-day weekend for me. That could be sweet. Here's to the next semester and me (hopefully) not dying just yet. Damn you God.

P.S. I just found out an interesting bit of information. Somehow I was in too much of a hurry when changing my oil so I left the funnel in and the oil cap off. I made the 360 mile trip to Bozeman like that. I am truly awesome. The funnel ended up melting on the exhaust manifold and it is now very cool looking and unusable. I purchased a new cap and a funnel after my pickup got jumped. All is well now, I hope.

You Got The Wrong Guy

2006-12-19T00:30:00.000-07:00

This post has two purposes. The first purpose is to refute the claims of Ali as being the precursor to rap. The second purpose is purely for my own personal enjoyment. I was going to write a paper on this topic, but was told by my history T.A. that it was simply not a good topic to write about for a reasonable grade. I followed his suggestion and wrote a much weaker paper. Perhaps this is proof that I am a virile man, for myself. Anyways, here goes.

Ali was not the front runner to the rap movement. Simply, Chuck D got the wrong black guy. The correct black guy, who I believe was the precursor to the hip-hop/rap lifestyle, is Malcolm X (a.k.a. Malcolm Little or Al-Hajj Malik El-Shabazz.) I will proceed to provide examples of why I think this is true. Also, keep in mind that this is coming from a white guy hailing from the state of Montana.

Malcolm was all too familiar with having a very difficult childhood. His father was murdered when he was a young at a age and this slowly resulted in his mother going insane. He had to live with foster parents for a while. He got into trouble a few times and ended up going to a reform school. After a bit of that, he went to Boston to live with his half-sister Ella.

Often, rappers talk about their difficult lives growing up. There are plenty of rappers' backgrounds where they are raised by a single parent and/or often have to live and cope with the violent deaths of loved ones. For example Tupac Shakur, arguably one of the best rappers of all time, grew up without a father. Tupac will be one of the main examples as his life has many parallels to Malcolm's life.

Malcolm ended up getting involved with the "hustler" crowd. This eventually led to involvement with prostitution, drug peddling and even burglary. Malcolm would often speak of his troubled past which culminated in jail time.

Hustling is often glorified in rap (for example listen to Can't Knock The Hustle by Jay-Z), especially in the forms of prostitution (pimping) and drug peddling. There are plenty of references to jail in rap (just know that when I say rap, I mean hip-hop/rap but rap is a lot shorter to type) songs and Tupac did some time as well, along with numerous others.

Ties to the ghetto can be found in both Malcolm and rap. Malcolm lived in the ghetto for many years and enjoyed walking around the ghetto after he became popular. He provided a window into a part of America that most Americans did not know and/or care about.

Rappers, especially early ones, did the exact same thing. They let you know what types of things were to be expected in the ghetto and how numerous ghetto dwellers saw things and acted. N.W.A. comes to mind with numerous songs from their album "Straight Outta Compton."

Beef, or feuds, makes up another part of both of these seemingly separate entities. Elijah Muhammad ended up placing a rift between Malcolm and himself. This happened after Elijah became jealous of Malcolm's success. Malcolm disobeyed an order of Elijah's and was soon silenced by the Nation of Islam and they soon distanced themselves from Malcolm. It is widely believed that the Nation of Islam was also responsible for the death of Malcolm X.

Beef is a huge part of rap. Notorious B.I.G./2Pac beef might be the most famous, although the Jay-Z/Nas beef comes to mind as well as the 50 Cent/Ja Rule beef. The Biggie/Pac beef resulted in both men being killed, though, making it the best example for this argument.

This would lead to my next point. Violence also links the two. Malcolm predicted that he would die a violent death, just as his father and most of his uncles did. Malcolm was right on the money.

As I alluded to earlier, Biggie and Pac also had violent deaths. There are numerous stories of rapper's posses engaging in gunfights which result in plenty of casualties. Violence is glorified in rap songs, as well (for example listen to Hit 'Em Up by 2Pac.)

Another connection between the two would be the views towards women. Malcolm had some strong views towards women that may be perceived as sexist at this point in time. He believed the women had a place, which was in the home, as many people did in those days.

It is well known that women can be objectified in rap and belittled as well. Not all rappers do this, but it's exceedingly easy to find (Bitches Ain't Shit by Dr. Dre, for example.)

My final point is perhaps the most obvious. From the start, both scared the living shit out of plenty of white people. Malcolm often said that all white people were the devil and he hated white people. These inflammatory statements obviously brought resentment and concern.

When rap first came out, it was not greeted with open arms by older members of White America. The Ice-T's Cop Killer fiasco would be a picture-perfect example of this point, with Dan Quayle and Tipper Gore (burn in hell you cunt) being involved with this as well.

Both Malcolm X and rap intrigue white people as well. Both are usually outspoken people with plenty of charisma to go around. Malcolm, in his autobiography, often told of his encounters with whites who wanted to help him and were definitely entranced by him.

It's no secret that plenty of white people harbor similar feelings for the entire rap culture. If this were not so, there wouldn't be any backlash against the rap culture spreading into the Midwest.

As you can see, perhaps Muhammad Ali wasn't the best choice as Malcolm X seems to have plenty of ties with the rap world. If you don't agree with me, you can piss off.

Don't Take Peter Boyle, Take Paris Hilton PLEASE

2006-12-13T20:46:00.000-07:00

Sonofabitch. Peter Boyle passed away yesterday, the 12th. He was in plenty of movies and TV shows and the ilk, but most people know him as Frank Barone. Frank Barone is easily my favorite sit-com character of all time. I love old people who don't care, and Frank was the epitome of that. Here is his IMDB page in case you wanted to look at his credentials. He was also in Young Frankenstein, which was highly enjoyable for myself.

I'm sad to hear that he's gone. I wish I could play God and make deals to benefit all of mankind. Why, I would have easily traded the Angel Of Death Paris Hilton AND Nicole Richie for Peter Boyle. All they do is spread around venereal diseases. Peter Boyle made me laugh, damn it. Laughter is supposed to be the best medicine. Surely laughter is a better medicine than venereal diseases. Damn it.

In honor of Peter Boyle's character Frank Barone: HOLY CRAP!

Gred Oden's Raven

2006-12-09T23:01:00.000-07:00

I had a startling revelation today while watching Appalachian State completely dismantle Youngstown State. I was flipping between that and some college basketball (men's of course, women's isn't worth the time of day to me.) I was watching Ohio State dismantle Cleveland State. I was watching that game for one reason: Greg Oden.

He's supposed to be the next coming of Jesus ~~Christ~~ Shuttlesworth. Except bigger. And bearded. This is where I had my realization. Anybody that has witnessed the Greg Oden phenomena would also swear that he looks about 40 years old. He also rocks a shitty beard. Hold the phone, I rock a shitty beard. A really shitty one. I've properly identified it as a hybrid between a homeless man's beard and an Amish beard. I've had a more Amish one before, but this still evokes thoughts of not believing in electricity. Greg Oden rocks the same damn beard that I do. He will just make millions of more dollars than I will ever see, and nail all sorts of girls that I can only dream of.

To prove my point, I have merged a picture of Greg Oden and myself. If you ignore the whole "him being black and me being white" thing (you racist commie bastards), one wouldn't be able to tell the difference between his shitty beard and my shitty beard. I have also included the picture of Greg Oden from which I cropped his head (with Microsoft Paint, bitches.)

Notice how the beard can't quite connect with the mustache, leaving it an island of hair floating off the mainland? Mine does that too, except my mustache doesn't really connect at the top making it two lesser islands of hair. Notice how the beard doesn't cover a good portion of the cheeks making it look semi-Amish? Mine does that as well, but I can grow a little tiny hair a few inches below my eyes, just not enough to show up. My sideburns are also a little thicker than his.

Who is to blame/congratulate for all of these shitty beards? I see LeBron James as the culprit/hero-for-people-that-cannot-grow-a-real-beard. He popularized it. It was acceptable because of his young age, thusly making it acceptable for Greg Oden (yes, I feel that he needs his first and last name mentioned at all times because they're short and Greg is a common name and Oden will remind me of Odin, the Norse God of whooping some fucking sweet and sultry ass) to rock a shitty beard. So here's the real question: is it ok for me to rock a shitty beard?

The answer is as follows: no, but I don't give a fuck so I do it anyways.

Official Start Of The Jay Cutler Era

2006-12-03T17:37:00.000-07:00

No, not the beefcake. The quarterback out of Vanderbilt. Since this is such a special occasion, and I have little homework to do, I will be live-blogging the entire game tonight. I have plenty of beer in the fridge if the game takes a turn for the worse. Right now it's 5:38 and I'm watching the pre-game show.

Highlights of today include Vince Young and crew upsetting Peyton and continuous commercials for Rocky 52 Balboa. I actually didn't watch the Dallas/NYG game because I could give two fucks about the NFC East and Joe Buck was involved. Apparently it was a close game or something. Fuck that shit, I was busy finding quality porn and information on various mp3 players. America, Fuck Yeah!

You may question me for not watching every football game, but I think Dallas is wildly overrated as all NFC teams are. I also cannot stand Joe Buck. He is a piece of shit. The Saints are more impressive to me than the Cowboys. I think the Cowboys kicking game will cost them a playoff game. Time to crack the first beer, via Pete Coors and company, the Light version (not my choice but The King Of Swing's father would be damn proud of me.)

I'm still a little surprised about the NYJ destroying the Packers (just because they are the Jets) and also the Cardinals destroying anybody (same reason.) Apparently I did something worthy of punishment today because I forced myself to listen to the incredibly terrible Chicago/Can't Win A Super Bowl If Their Lives Depended On It (Minnesota) game. Holy shit that was terrible.

I was talking with The King Of Swing about that game as I was listening to it. I made a bold statement somewhere along the lines of Rex Grossman or Brad Johnson being better than Favre was in his prime, at throwing picks of course. TKOS disagreed. He's probably right, but Rex might be a contender here very very soon. Brad Johnson was having a career performance with 4 ints but Brad Childress is a selfish prick and wouldn't let Brad Johnson reach for the stars. You know things are going back when your starting quarterback gets pulled and replaced with Brooks Bollinger (his middle name is Montana and he grew up in Grand Forks, North Dakota so he's got that going for him, which is nice.) I would have more respect for the NFC if one of the best teams in that conference wasn't quarterbacked by Rex Grossman. He's absolutely terrible. I want Kyle Orton. He was good for about 150 yds passing 1 td 1 int. I knew what I was getting with him. Rex usually goes for about 3 int, although results may vary tremendously.

Holy crap, Oakland just lost to the Texans. The Texans had -5 yards net passing. -5 yards. Fucking impressive. Great job Art Shell. You never cease to amaze me. Just when I think your team has some hope, you enter yourself in the Troy Smith/Brady Quinn lottery. I predicted that Oakland would take Calvin Johnson for their first round pick, but who knows with Al Davis involved.

Glad to see that Joey Harrington remembered that he was Joey Harrington. Quality. Fuckin' Jags. I can't pick their games if I was a soothsayer. That's what I get for taking Miami against a decent team. Oh yeah, Miami has been screwing me all season long too. Oh well.

Just found out that Florida will be playing Ohio State. Sweet ass. I have an inexplicable fondness for doing the Gator Chomp (even though I am not a Gator fan.) I also can't root for a team coached by a guy wearing a sweater-vest. Just don't have it in me.

Yay, it's about game time (6:04 right now.) I've also been pacing myself on the beer, which is something new to me. We get to hear from Eight Five (Och~~enta~~o y Cinco) at halftime. Now, if only we could get rid of that Pink introduction. She has absolutely no interest to me in a normal world, but an even less amount of interest (negative) in a football world. It would also be nice to not have to listen to Michaels and Madden, but shit happens.

It's 6:10 and about game time. As a side note, I can't stand Deal Or No Deal because I understand how odds work. It makes me worry a bit about our society.

Pink is on the TV. I used to secretly find her attractive, but not anymore. She brings feelings of vomiting instead of an erection. The song is inherently flawed because Al Michaels and John Madden don't make me want to crank up the sound.

Another side note: SNF seems to have a much better schedule than MNF. I wonder who the fuck scheduled MNF. Oakland was featured twice. That's all that you need to know. TWICE. I didn't watch last weeks MNF game (Green Bay vs Seattle) because I knew who would win and had no interest in the game whatsoever. I played Marvel Ultimate Alliance on the XBox instead.

6:21 and it's kickoff time. The officials are sporting the fancy new winter uniforms. I like them. Just in case you were wondering, I am rocking the Roland "Champ" Bailey jersey. If you guessed or knew that I got it for free, you would be correct. I've been really considering buying a Cutler jersey, so consider tonight the beginning of an investment.

6:23 and the 'Hawks went 3 and out. This game may turn into me drinking alone in my apartment and yelling out "IN-COM-PLETE." Sweet.

6:24 Cutler is stepping on the field to plenty of cheers. The Cutler Era has officially begun, and I have goosebumps. He starts off the Cutler Era with a handoff to Tatum Bell. Jay Cutler looks kind of dopey at times, but I can still get excited about him. I will miss Plummer and his incredible 'stache, though. Cutler may not be able to fill that void. Damnit, Cutler's first pass was incomplete to Javon Walker. A 3 and out for the Broncos. I've been well acquainted will Paul Ernster as this season has progressed.

6:28 I like the commercials where all of the football mascots try to fight each other, but I feel bad for the bulldog. They are all chasing after a Nissan Titan and there's no way those little legs can move that fast. Plus, his nuts have to by flying all over the place. Poor guy.

6:30 Two dropped passes so far from the 'Hawks already and neither were by Stevens. Uncanny. 'Hawks go 3 and out. Plenty of punting so far.

6:32 Maybe in Tony Dungy and Peyton Manning spent more time working on playoff football instead of commercials, they'd have some success. God I hate the Colts.

6:34 Madden mutters something about not going to the Super Bowl with a quarterback to manage the game. Trent Dilfer and Brad Johnson beg to differ. Cutler throws one that had a chance to get picked. More beer might be necessary. Ernster boots one that gets downed at the 10. Highlight of the game so far. 5 minutes and 4 punts.

6:38 I get to put my money with my mouth is, per se. New Orleans vs Dallas. I will become embarrassed in prime time. Fantastic. Reggie Bush looked fantastic today. About damn time.

6:40 Punt number 5.

6:42 Just got done yelling "Damn you STAMOS!" and then Tatum Bell ran for a first down. First of the game. So far this has been nothing but an ugly game. Another first down for Tatum Bell. Seven runs and two passes so far. It's going to be like what happened with Philip Rivers at the beginning of the year for the Chargers.

6:46 Cutler gets sacked and in comes Elam for a field goal. 3-0 Broncos. Plummer is the holder, which has to be bittersweet for him. Emphasis on the bitter. Very bitter.

6:52 Stevens caught the only pass thrown to him so far. Noteworthy. Jackson drops his second of the night. The guard may have changed for Seattle. I don't know if this is a world that I want to live in.

6:58 I just agreed with Al Michaels about Denver not trying to throw from their own 2. I'm frightened. Cutler completes his first pass for a gain of 1. His rating is hovering around the Rex Grossman range. Ernster just forgot to bring his helmet out to punt. Fuck it, he doesn't need one. John Madden just said the same thing. I will stop thinking now. Very athletic and smooth move on Ernster's part to get his helmet though. Most other punters would have botched that move.

7:06 Just calculated Cutler's rating so far: 42.36. Better than I thought for being 1/3 1 yd. Grossman put up a solid 1.32 rating today.

7:08 Field goal for the 'Hawks. Wide left. Still 3-0.

7:11 Cutler took off scrambling on a bootleg. If he had been Plummer it may have gone for 50 yds capped off by a fumble. Cutler did look more mobile than I had anticipated.

7:13 Boots out right again but throws behind the receiver. Passes spiral nice, but that's about the only positive thing I can say about them so far. As soon as I finish that sentence, Cutler finds Alexander for a first yard down. He almost got Kimo'd as well. Rating is 47.92. Bell busts off a big run and they are First and Goal now. Bell has 81 yds.

7:16 Touchdown to Alexander. Cutler puts his first points on the board with the help of Stephen Alexander. Rating of 95.83. Sweet. 3/6 17 yds 1 td. 10-0 Denver

7:21 Third delay of game for the 'Hawks already. Impressive.

7:23 Hasselbeck has a rating of 57.29. Here is the link where I am finding the formula. I'm thoroughly enjoying this.

7:25 Cutler has another touchdown. Too bad it was for the 'Hawks. He was spun around and just launched one up in the air and Darryl Tapp took it to the house. Shades of Plummer with that one. Rating is 50.3. 10-7 Denver

7:30 I think Plummer made a bet with Cutler on how shitty of a play he could get away with. Bell has over 100 yds rushing already.

7:32 Rod Smith fumbles a pass that gets returned 25 yards by Julian Peterson. Would have been a first down. Rating is now 56.25.

7:37 Penalty on a missed field goal. Holding on the 'Hawks. Broncos get the ball + 10 yds from the spot of the kick. Fuckin' sweet. They absolutely need to turn this into points.

7:42 Rating is now 60.83. Denver is threatening. Cutler goes deep to Javon Walker and it was kind of close to being picked. He's a rookie, so I expected this. I don't have to take a deep breath when Cutler throws like I did when Plummer did the same. Rating falls down to 59.38.

7:44 4th and 1 with 0:24 left on the clock. Should be a field goal here. Elam faked one and ran to the right for a short gain. This was all to probably kick another field goal from a shorter distance. Interesting. Takes time off the clock and made it an easier kick. Elam converts in but now he is limping a bit, probably due to the fake. 13-7 Denver. Halftime.

7:57 Chad Johnson interview wasn't anything special. It seemed like they prodded him to be outlandish, instead of a relaxed Chad Johnson. Dicks. I like Chad Johnson because he's not afraid to be himself. I realize that there are probably many sides to Chad Johnson and I just witnessed another one. Costas seemed like a bit of a dick to me. I did learn that Chad Johnson owes Sean Payton $1600. I hope Payton doesn't come collecting with a handgun or a hammer. Although, that may be the real answer to how you stop #85.

8:02 Third quarter is under way. Possible injuries to Mack Strong and Jason Elam. Alexander was injured earlier but is back in. Walker comes up with a nice catch to convert a 3rd and 6. Cutler was pressured heavily but managed to make a good play. Rating of 65.22 now.

8:05 Cutler just threw one away. That was a good idea. Glad to see it. Threads the needle to Tony Scheffler to convert another 3rd down.

8:08 Mike Bell fumbles. Seattle recovers and Cutler's rating is 66.53. Not good. 3rd Denver turnover this game and they are still winning. Seattle has had no turnovers. This is an ugly and weird game.

8:11 Mack Strong is back in the game. I just like his name. He could make sweet sweet love to anything and still be considered manly. I mean anything.

8:15 Tatum Bell and Josh Brown are keeping Denver ahead in this game. If Josh Brown had hit his two field goals, it would be tied. Tatum Bell has ran for 128 yds on 20 carries. Cecil Sapp, who must be Warren's little brother, just ran for 20 yds. I assume this because he is in good shape and this is because Warren must have eaten all the food at the Sapp household everyday.
8:19 Cutler just took the sack instead of doing something stupid. Good.

8:22 Shawn Alexander finally makes some noise with an 18 yd gain. Then proceeds to gain 7. Oh shit, he might start getting his mojo going. Holmgren decides to put him on the sideline right as he is getting hot. Good work Mike.

8:24 Interception by Roland "Champ" Bailey. Hasselbeck just heaves one up and Roland races to get it. Thank you Mr. Matt Hasselbeck and Mr. Mike Holmgren.

8:26 Cutler rating update: 58.95.

8:29 Denver goes 3 and out and I am considering buying a Paul Ernster jersey.

8:38 Denver is really backed up and facing a 3rd and 6 from their own 5. Cutler takes the sack at the 2. At least he didn't do something stupid. Denver's line isn't really making it an easier for the rookie. On comes Ernster. Seattle is in good field position right now. Denver's D needs to step up right now.

8:41 I always love it when the announcers' mikes get turned down at some point and you really don't have to listen to them. One of those small things that makes my life a little better. Elvis Dumerville, my favorite pick out of the entire draft for any team, comes up with the sack. That was his 7th on the year along with 2 fumble recoveries.

8:43 Seattle lines up for a long field goal and then pooches it. Darrent Williams responds by muffing it and then recovering it somehow. Christ. Al Wilson is down as well.

8:45 Just came back from the break and Al Wilson is still down on the ground. I think he sustained a concussion. Fuck oh dear. Um, they just brought the cart out and a Peyton commercial just popped up. I'm going to get the Yellow Pages and look up "noose."

8:53 Wilson gets carted off and I didn't see a thumbs up. Tatum Bell is looking slightly injured too. Shit. I think he may be fine. I sure hope so. Brings on Ernster.

8:59 After a long Hasselbeck pass, Shawn Alexander runs in a one yard touchdown. 14-13 Seattle. Fuck. Cutler's rating: 52.96. Hasselbeck's rating: 52.27.

9:03 Brian Clark gets smacked by Josh Brown on the return and coughs it up. Seattle recovers it on Denver's 40 yard line. That makes 4 Denver turnovers to 2 Seattle turnovers. Color me worried.

9:05 FUCK. Denver has a defensive holding after making Seattle go 3 and out. Automatic first down on what appears to be a phantom call. GAY. Seattle has new life. Plays like that almost always come back to bite a team in the ass.

9:08 Huge stop on 3rd down to set up a 44 yard field goal attempt for Josh Brown. This one sails right through the uprights. I can handle 3. 17-13 Seattle. If we had Elway in, I wouldn't be worried. If we had Plummer in, I would be extremely worried, although he seemed to pull quite a few out. That didn't stop me from worrying though. With Cutler, I can't feel anything yet.

9:12 Ball was tipped and it was intercepted. Cutler is making a late entrance to be accepted in the Brett Favre Hall of Fame. That was probably ball game.

9:15 Seattle's offense is floundering and they just managed to get a 4th and 1. Field goal is up and good by Josh Brown. 20-13 Seattle. Seattle is leaving the door slightly ajar.

9:18 Cecil Sapp is down now. Fuck. Al Michaels just pimped the 2010 Olympics in Vancouver. That may be a record.

9:20 Cutler connects to Brandon Marshall for a 71 yard touchdown. Elam, with a bad hamstring, boots the PAT through. Cutler's rating: 62.3. 20-20 all.

9:29 Hasselbeck decided to wake up and is driving down the field now in long-ass field goal range. Oh fuck.

9:31 Seattle is attempting to take itself out of field goal range by false starting. A few more of those and they will be completely out of range. They have to kick a 50 yard field goal. Sure enough, it's good. Denver has 0:05 on the clock to do something.

9:35 Game over. Fuck. If Jake Plummer could have waited until the playoffs to implode, Denver wouldn't have had to put in a rookie. I can't say that I'm surprised or even all that mad. I didn't expect this to go that well, but I was optimistic. Time for some homework I think.

Naps have consequences

2006-11-27T00:48:00.000-07:00

Such as not being able to get to sleep for an extended period of time. It won't be enough to stop me from taking future naps, as I love them. For the 2.5 people that read this, I apologize for not getting my shit together and putting up a blog lately. I've been rather busy and have also lacked a tremendous amount of ambition. Plus, I really haven't been home for the last month on the weekends. It's all good though.

The fall semester of school is almost over. Thank fucking Christ. I am actually excited for next semester since it will be my smallest load credit-wise, but possibly my largest work load time consumption-wise. No classes for me on Tuesdays and Thursdays, but five almost in a row on Monday, Wednesdays and Fridays. I am just ready for this shitty ass semester to get over with.

We hosted a playoff game, this past weekend, here for the first time in 22 years. We did not disappoint. It was well out of reach by half time, which was great. The final score was 31-13 with Furman scoring a touchdown on the last second of the game, which was absolutely meaningless. I also managed to lose my voice in the first five minutes but slowly regain it during the game. I also confirmed an earlier suspicion I had came up with at the Cat/Griz game. Screaming your head off while entering a hangover gives a person an absolutely killer headache. Screaming obscenities at the top of your lungs makes it worthwhile, though. We go to North ~~Cackalacky~~ Carolina to play next week against the #1 ranked team in Division I-AA and also the defending champs. Should be interesting. GO CATS!

My liver has to be hating me now. I have abused the little guy quite a bit in the past month or so. Oh well, I've been taking it really easy on him as a whole for quite a while now. All we be ok.

I suppose the best news about my NFL team is that Cutler will be starting soon. I still have a nagging feeling that he is far too young to be consistently effective for the Broncos. It's not like he was studying under the world's best quarterback, but Shanahan seems to do well with quarterbacks. If nothing else, it should be interesting and hopefully a step in the right direction for the future of the organization. Let the Cutler Era begin. I just hope it's nothing like the Plummer Era or the Griese Era or the Brister Era or any of those things. They can still run the damn ball, though. Apparently there's a bodybuilder by the name of Jay Cutler, which is seen in a picture in this post. I found this very amusing for some odd reason. Probably the same reason that I've spent hours of my time playing paddleball. Sweet ass paddleball.

Listening to country music and drinking beer fixes every problem known to mankind. I swear.

People who don't like country music also have an open invitation to lick my nuts.

There is plenty of snow on the ground here and it's icy as fuck. I just may go whip some shitties in a parking lot sometime soon. That's always a good time. The only thing is, this town sucks a big, fat, hairy and dirty camel dick. There really aren't any great spots to do stupid shit like that, whereas in my hometown I can name at least two right off the top of my head. I like going home when the weather is shitty.

If there was actual power of prayer, western Montana and California wouldn't be here right now. Perhaps I harbor far too much resentment, anger and hatred. Perhaps you should fuck off if you agree. I hope your dick and/or vagina turns green and burns constantly and you become sterile. That'll teach you to be judgmental assholes.

I will post a theory about people that has shown some promise so far. If you like Bob Seger, I will not have a nagging urge to wish death upon you...Immediately. Actually, that may be a guideline of mine someday soon. "Do you like Bob Seger?" "No, I sure don't." "Well fuck you."

The internet is the best thing to ever happen. Music is so widely available that my cash flow is no longer diverted to things like CDs and the ilk. My cash flow is now diverted to things like cheap food and video games and gas. I love my new pickup (my father's old one) but holy fucking Moses does it ever get shitty mileage compared to the cars that I had before it. 13 seems to be about the average if it is driven nicely (read as between 75-79 mph.)

It's way too fucking early for anybody to be playing Christmas music. Assholes. When I become God I am going to outlaw that sort of shit. The Christmas shit won't start until a week and a half before Christmas. Seriously, does anybody truly need to get in the mood for one day roughly a month before it occurs? Damn all the stores who had those morning sales the day after Thanksgiving to encourage Christmas shopping to start right then and there. Somebody who can't bleed for five days and not die doesn't need an entire month to shop for presents. Plus, movement around a mall might trigger the heart attack that I attempted to give myself the day before. Let's keep the heart attacks on the designated days, people. If you aren't going to have on Thanksgiving night (or in your sleep later that night) you don't need to be having one at all.

Sorry that this post was so long. Actually, I'm not. You'll get what I give you damn it, and you WILL like it. Seriously though, if you got this far you deserve a cookie. Do not misconstrue that as me giving you a cookie. You deserve one, but that doesn't mean you will get one. Not from me at least.

Running with the Edge

2006-10-17T00:05:00.000-07:00

For many years now, one man has been overrated consistently. That man goes by the name of Edgerrin James. It's no secret that I loathe the Colts (especially Peyton.) He hails from Thug U, but you probably knew that already. Everybody keeps saying that Edgerrin brought over a new attitude from the Colts. People mistakenly refer to this attitude as a "winning attitude." Too bad the Colts don't win, when it counts.

I believe Edgerrin is overrated because of the system he played in. When you play the Colts, you play pass. If you don't, you get burned for long touchdowns. It's that simple. Edgerrin's stats were inflated by the fact that the teams played pass first and not run first.

It's my new theory that Edgerrin has brought over the attitude of losing close games. The only twist is, he isn't going to wait until the post season to unleash his masterpieces (wouldn't be possible with the Cardinals, at least not on a continuous basis.) Tonight was a perfect example. Had this been any other year, the Cardinals would have been out of that game before it started. Edgerrin had other ideas.

His attitude that was brought over helped keep the Cardinals in the game. Hell, they had it wrapped up. The Cardinals then unleashed a performance that would have made Drew Bledsoe green with envy. I would say it was the biggest collapse I have seen all year (that honor goes to Michigan State against Notre Dame), but it's the Cardinals. It was to be expected. Edgerrin's new attitude tried to thinly veil that fact, but didn't quite succeed.

In conclusion, the Cardinals were terribly overrated before the season started thanks to the addition of Edgerrin "Overrated" James.

The University of Phoenix Stadium is the worst name I've heard for a stadium.

Fuckin' Christ

2006-09-29T20:26:00.000-07:00

First of all, I am gutless when it comes talking to women. It's something I have always avoided and/or struggled tremendously with. When I do manage to talk with a woman for a substantial amount of time, one thing is guaranteed to happen. There are no ifs ands or buts about it. Every fucking time. They drop the worst line that my ears have ever heard. No, it's not "Get away from me, you're creepy!" or "I'm filing a restraining order against you," or "Why yes, I do have genital herpes," or even "I charge $100 per hour." It's this one: "Blah blah blah, I'm a dirty skank, blah blah blah, my boyfriend, blah blah blah." That line kills me. The mention of the boyfriend. It completely crushes any hope I was starting to build up. Now, this has happened to basically every girl I have been interested in so far in college. Goddamnit. The even more pathetic thing is I am going to be doing engineering homework tonight, filling out a resume this weekend along with changing the oil in my ~~toy car~~ chick magnet. Tonight, I am going to drown my sorrows in two liters of orange pop. That's right. ~~I'm such a loser.~~ If I weren't so blatantly awesome, I would suck a big one. Fuck. The two liter pop was buy one get one free, if that means ~~that I am one incredibly cheap bastard who hates paying full price for anything~~ anything.

P.S. After finishing the pop, I managed to contract an old-fashioned case of the runs. Yippee!

Things/People That I Wish Didn't Exist

2006-09-11T22:46:00.000-07:00

You can throw smiling on the list as well as the RIAA.

P.S. Cats, Paris Hilton and techno music also belong on that list, but there just wasn't enough room for all of my hatred.

P.S.S. How the fuck could I forget Tipper Gore?!?! I won't ever vote for her husband regardless of his views and beliefs. It's the damn principle of the thing. That bitch doesn't need to wield any more power than she already does. (God I am a prick.)

A Theory

2006-09-11T22:08:00.000-07:00

Just wanted to put this up on the web because I thought of this today while watching football. Again, I have never heard of anybody else making this statement and I just wanted to have some proof of when I thought about it. Here it is:

Chuck "The Iceman" Liddell has single-handedly brought back the mohawk. Chad Johnson, Clinton Portis and Shawne Merriman (who may turn out to be one of the best LB ever) are just a few examples. UFC has had a meteoric rise giving Chuck Liddell plenty of exposure and he has probably been rocking the mohawk since birth.

P.S. 'Mitch Comstein, my roommate' of Deadspin reminded me of something I knew but somehow managed to forget. Tom Zbikowski also rocks a mohawk. This is sad because I am a Notre Dame fan and it completely slipped my mind when I created this post.

It Never Happened

2006-09-09T21:38:00.000-07:00

I would like to pretend that the blog I wrote about the football team never happened (until we start whooping ass again). Well, the stuff about Lulay can stay. Cory didn't look so hot. I'm going to go fin a number #14 jersey and a redhead, and reenact my favorite Lulay moments until I cry myself to sleep. *Tear*

Please Help Me

2006-09-07T22:03:00.000-07:00

I have been failing at something over and over. I really need some help. Please, for the love of God, help me out.

A long time ago I was told that I am too smart for my own good. I have tried several times to make myself dumber. I was in football. Football players are dumb. I didn't get any dumber.

I tried to drink myself retarded. Although it may have worked for a short while, the effect did not last for more than some hours.

I just got done trying to crush my head with my own car. Not only am I mentally fine, if anything, it made me feel even smarter than I used to.

Please, I beg of you, help me help myself. I'm running out of ways to stop being too damn smart for my own good. (Maybe I should just dye my hair blonde, I hear that works wonders).

Holier Than I

2006-09-05T21:12:00.000-07:00

Groan. I feel compelled to do a post dealing with religion. I'm not sure if it will turn out how I want it to, but what the fuck. I won't lose sleep over it.

There are a few things that irk me (not a lot because I am a pretty lax guy). I will go out on a limb and say that there is one thing that irritates me more than anything else in the world. This occurs when people try to force their religious beliefs onto me. It makes me stone cold crazy.

I will throw out some background here. I was raised Catholic and attended CCD for many years. I have a decent understanding about the whole religion. If I had paid attention like I should have, I would have a great understanding about that religion. Once I was old enough to decide for myself, I stopped going to church (never saw the point, with the constant day dreaming and all) and dropped religion like a bad habit.

I will not convey my current religious beliefs because I don't feel the need to or see the point of doing so. Let's just say it's somewhere between a religious person's and an atheist's. Good enough.

I understand the function of religion and the importance of it in people's lives. I can accept that. Religion functions as a mechanism for dealing with the unknown. If you were to go visit some tribe that hasn't been "civilized", they have their own unique system of beliefs to help explain things. That's completely fine. It also acts as a moral code to behave by. Also acceptable.

I have a few huge problems with the current state of religion. A lot of religions act like they are the only correct one out there. Well, which group would be correct then? I also get the vibe that some think they are better than others. I would like to see all the facts behind that. Also, it's almost impossible to determine the best of anything. Those things usually get debated extensively and rarely does a true victor emerge.

Many years ago, the Greeks and Romans had a mythology system that has been extensively studied (I know they aren't the only ones [Vikings, Native Americans, etc.] but they are rather well known). When these mythologies were being used, people believed them as The Truth. Who is to say that they aren't? Don't give me all the bullshit about the Bible being The Truth either. Mythology was created the same way in which much of the Bible was created. People would have encounters with a deity or deities and that's how they got their knowledge of the whole system. I know a lot of the Bible was like that. Human contact with a Higher Being. We now look back on the Greek and Roman mythologies as a joke. Nobody can convince me that in a couple of thousands of years from now (if people are still around) people won't look back at our current religions and laugh at them.

I also have a problem with associating the terms "religion" and "peace" with each other. There have been a very significant amount of deaths in the name of religion (the Crusades being a prime example, along with Jihads). I will not discriminate among the religions, but know that I don't think there is a PURELY peaceful one out there that is practiced.

As I said earlier, religions provide a moral code to live by. That's fine. My problem is when religions try to control your thoughts and actions (the issue of gay marriage would be a good example). I don't like it when people tell me what to do, so why would I like it when a group, that I am a part of, tells me what to do? I prefer to think and make decisions for myself, not because I was told to jump through certain hoops. I think it's ok for a general way to live your life, but it's ignorant to follow it blindly.

Another gripe I have (probably the last one) is the close-mindedness that comes with the extremely religious people. Not all of them suffer from this, but there are quite a few. They have their beliefs and won't listen to any others. This always reminds me of the movie Inherit the Wind, which is based on the Scopes Trial (monkey trial dealing with teaching evolution in schools). This is a movie based on an event, so Hollywood takes plenty of privileges with characters and events. At any rate, the prosecuting attorney, Henry Drummond, is a staunch believer of religion. He is a firm believer that the Earth was created something like 4004 B.C. (please note that this only occurs in the play, as one again Hollywood is fucking with the truth). Obviously there is plenty of scientific evidence that would disprove this theory. He ends up winning the trial, but looks like a complete fool afterwards.

Modern science is something that is constantly changing. It hasn't been around nearly along as religion, but people aren't giving it the proper amount of time to adequately explain things. Science will never be a complete field. It will always be growing and changing as new discoveries are made. The same can't be said for religion. Most of it is "set in stone". Yes, that was a terrible pun.

Religion just isn't for me. I also feel much better for typing all of this out. Oh, and if anybody consistently acts 'holier than thou' feel free to tell them to go "fuck off" or something of that nature. Just because you are an avid part of your religion doesn't make you a better person than myself. It just means that you are a pompous ass.

P.S. Please note that I am all for people standing up for their beliefs. It's better to be wrong about something than right about nothing.

There's a new Jesus in town

2006-09-04T20:53:00.000-07:00

We (meaning Montana State University - Bozeman) recently beat the University of Colorado at Boulder. That's right. The Montana State Bobcats beat the Colorado Buffaloes. 19-10. In Colorado. I wasn't so sure how this season would turn out since we lost our old Jesus, Travis Lulay. We still have our current God residing here, Mike Kramer.

I have a theory that Mike Kramer isn't bald, he just gave birth to Chuck Norris and took his own hair and put it on Chuck's face. It's probably true. Just ask any one who knows.

At any rate, we were Travis Lulay had to have been the Second Coming of Christ. There's no doubt about it. I had to do the Truffle Shuffle because he scored a diving touchdown before we even got into the game. He also spent a lot of time flying around the field. His hair was EXTREMELY RED. I could go on and on, but if you don't know by now, you should probably be shot.

When Travis graduated, there was a big state of panic. Nobody was sure if we would have anybody near his level to step in at quarterback. Enter Cory Carpenter. As I speak, people possibly could be worshipping him right now. I mean, we beat Colorado!! It's just the beginning of the season, but I feel pretty good about the team as a whole. We may just have the Third Coming of Christ.

a new college and freshmen roommates

2006-08-30T10:35:00.000-07:00

I recently transferred to a new college in South Dakota. Since I was so busy this summer, I only had time to come down here for a few days and get registered for classes. This means I didn't have time to find an apartment like I would have liked to. Now I am living in the campus apartments with two roommates. One is a freshman and the other a sophomore. They are pretty cool but with me being 21, I cannot go to the bars with these guys. That's good in a sense since the main reason I moved down here was to kind of get away from all the partying I was doing in Montana. The first night we moved into our new apartment, our crazy ass neighbor ladies decided to get extremely shitfaced and kept walking into our room all night long. This type of action my have its perks though, since we are all single and two of the girls are worth doing stuff with. The other night they even made me dinner.

Back to the college itself. I am loving it down here because all my classes so far have way more girls than guys in them and they are not bad looking by any means. Also, one of my teachers is an athletic trainer for the college and for this class I will be sitting in the front row for every class hour with her if you catch my drift. I am also trying a new approach to college this year, actually going to class. Its going to be a struggle for me but since I don't have class until 1 on MWF I think I will be able to make it. Well that's all I have for now, just wanted to keep you updated on what is going on in my part of the world.

Please save the kittens

Nowadays, Pirates Have Parity On Their Shoulders

2006-08-28T22:01:00.000-07:00

I was chatting with somebody the other day and I had an epiphany. I'm not sure if other people have quite made this connection (I tend to stay isolated from outside ideas much like a hermit). There has been abundant parity in professional baseball and professional football (if you don't believe the baseball part, check out the last 6 World Series winners, they were all different). I have noticed that there is a staggering amount of parity with professional musicians.

There are so many bands that sound the same, or like cover bands of each other. It's terrible in country music. All of the new women sound the same. I cannot distinguish between any of them. (Coincidentally, I dislike most new country music [it's more pop than country], especially the female singers).

I better mention the specific example that brought this forth. The band is called Hinder and they have a song called Lips of an Angel. When I first heard it, a bunch of drunks (friends of mine) were attempting to sing it while crammed into the back seat of a car. I had no idea what band it was or even any of the words to the song. It's a decent song and all, but it sounds like generic rock. I know, I know, there have always been generic sounding bands. I have a question for you: have there ever been this many? I think not.

The internet is a great thing for getting ~~free music to my computer~~ exposure to bands that don't have enough fame/money to get that exposure. Sadly, a part of me feels as though the bar has been slightly lowered because if I got the sudden urge to make terrible music on my computer, I could publish it and shamelessly ~~Paris Hilton~~ whore it out to get attention. I could then pursue a career and get some sort of a following going.

Kids used to dream of being rock stars, and now kids can be shitty rock stars thanks to la computadora. The only semi-redeeming factor is that if the people don't like it, usually it goes. Usually, being the keyword.

At any rate, I just wanted to point out that parity is running rampant in the music "biz" (as I people actually in the business like to call it).

You Clean Up Well.....

2006-08-28T21:49:00.000-07:00

You clean up well has to be one of my least favorite "compliments" of all time. There are numerous reasons for this. First of all, it a widely accepted compliment, although it is a completely backhanded one. Second of all, I get this "compliment" a lot. It usually occurs when I get all dressed up for some special event.

This "compliment" says the following things:
You look a hell of a lot better than you did before, possibly even decent.
Did I mention you look like shit most of the time?
I'm not joking. G-A-R-B-A-G-E.

This "compliment" is most similar to the Comeback Player of the Year (or Most Improved Player) in any sport. It means, you sucked for quite a while, and now you are decent, possibly even great (sometimes). I don't really know how one is supposed to accept a slap in the face with a gentle tickle of the balls so you forget about the slap. Your face is still stinging, but the tickling feels delightful.

I just usually say "thanks" while plotting to destroy everybody who has ever said that. (I am just joking about that, I don't have enough time to plot to destroy everybody...).

The 11th Commandment

2006-08-28T21:48:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time, Moses scampered up Mount Sinai and was spoken to by The Almighty. He took these sacred words and shared them with his people. They ended up on tablets, somewhere along the line. I guess if I had paid attention in CCD or even cared about religion, I may know more about this.

At any rate, what really transpired is due to a lot of third hand information. However, I have reason to believe that there were originally 11 commandments. With all of my heart, I believe I have gotten the essence of the 11th commandment down.

I guess that it is completely understood by all so it never needed to be written. It's like the understood "you". Apparently, with the nature of it being so universally understood, it can never be forgiven. NEVER. At least that is how some people make it feel.

I received numerous glares when I truthfully reported what happened. If I would have lied (which is No. 9), everything would have been fine and dandy. If I take my false god's and the Lord's name in vain while screaming at my father and mother on a Sunday right after I stole a knife and killed somebody with it as I was having sex with a female that I am not married to and then proceeded to deny all of it, I don't think there would have been such a big uproar. I mean, it's not like I had sex with a guy or conducted an abortion and a ritualistic sacrifice back to back. (I hope you picked up on the sarcasm because I was laying it on pretty thick).

Women and Movies

2006-08-25T18:37:00.000-07:00

Hello all blog readers (meaning Craig, Shoop, Myself, and probably one other), my name is Grant. Like Craig, I will be posting on here from occasion to occasion. I was Shoop's roommate for about a year and we lived in the sketchiest neighborhood in Bozeman. We became genuine trailer trash with Craig being a honoree trailer trashie. Enough about me though, I am going to get down to the main reason why I joined this blog.

The other night I was hanging out with a lovely young lady when she gets the great idea "Lets get a movie." Normally this is a pretty good idea since it was a week night and neither of us felt like drinking. We make our way to the video store and then the worst part of the night occurs, which movie to pick out. So many selections and so little time. Most men have gone through this dilemma when trying to choose a movie with a woman. You want action or comedy and she wants chick flick or horror. Sure watching a chick flick with a woman increases your chances of getting lucky but its like riding a moped, fun to ride but don't let your friends see you. Needless to say my chance at watching people get blown to pieces or laughing uncontrollably is out of the question because it was her idea to get the movie. This brings me to my next dilemma, Failure to Launch or Hostel. I am not a big horror fan by any means, but when it comes to seeing Terry Bradshaw's ass or watching a film made by Quentin Tarantino, I chose Hostel. This may seem like a wise choice but it wasn't. Granted there was a surplus of t 'n a but there was not enough of the horror part involved. It was like watching Titanic where the first 3/4 of the movie was gay and no action then the last part was somewhat exciting. Do not recommend anyone watch this movie. The only thing this movie gave me besides some nice nudity, was the nickname The King of Swing.

Here's my point, when you are faced with the decision of what type of movie to get with a woman, go with your choice or if need be go with the chick flick, you might get lucky.

That's all for now but I am sure there will be plenty more to come.

P.S. Everytime you masturbate, God kills a kitten. Please save the kittens.

Another Announcement

2006-08-24T23:34:00.000-07:00

I have two announcements, actually. First and foremost, another reader has joined the ranks of this blog. He was my roommate during my second year at college. I believe he goes by: the king of swing. At any rate, he will be posting on here shortly. (If my loyal readers keep joining at this rate, there will surely be more posters than readers. In fact, I believe it has already happened. Oh well, it shall work out for the best).

My second announcement is that I will be spending 24 hours in the Detention Center. This only adds to my quest to be able to top anybody's summer. "Oh, this summer I broke my three vertebrae in my neck and also broke my jaw. I spent a large majority of the summer in a neck brace with my jaw wired shut. Did I mention I totaled my car? Let me not forget that I went to jail. Oh, so you went to Europe, huh? Let me know when you have committed some sort of atrocity, bitch." Something like that. Just kidding, I really don't care if my summer was shitty or not, it's over with now. Time for school. Uuugghhhh.

Julia Stiles and pudding

2006-08-23T14:59:00.000-07:00

Hello Shoop's blog readers, my name is Craig and I will be posting here on occasion, this being one of those occasions. So hi!

I am, and I'm not afraid to say it, in love with Julia Stiles. This isn't just getting a boner while watching 10 things about you infatuation (which i do, btw) this is love. Sadly she does not know I exist, but maybe someday.

Besides Julia Stiles, I also love pudding. I went to wal-mart to buy a couple party pizzas to keep me goin for a few days and happened upon jello brand chocolate pudding. I have not had chocolate pudding since I was a wee lad, so it seemed a good purchase. I was right on so many levels. No only is jello brand chocolate pudding a chocolate orgasm in the mouth, it is endorsed by Bill Cosby, which can lead to high comedy. It is well documented I do the single worst Bill Cosby impression of all time. It is like a crappy impression of other people's impressions. It is me simply mumbling about the cosby show and pudding followed by this sound that can only be described as BWAHHHHH AHHH. I know, I don't understand it either. Anyway, I finished making the pudding and sat down to eat it. Between every bite I would mumble something about Theo getting a bad grade then go BWAAAAHHH AHHH. This was cracking me up to no end, thank God I was home alone. I was so in the Cosby moment I got up, pudding in hand, and started doing that weird dance he does at the beginning of his show while doing my best to make smooth jazz with my mouth. It was possibly the most absurd eight minutes of my life. I'm weird.

Does anyone else watch reruns of that show? I like it. What I don't get is in the later episodes they toss in that little Raven girl for added cuteness because ratings were beginning to wane. That doesn't bother me. She is cute, plus Bill loves making funny Cosby-reaction faces after she says something adorable. What I don't understand is who's fuckin kid is she??? I mean Bill is like 58 by this point, and his wife probably close to it. I doubt they are poppin out any new Cosby kids. I've been told she is his granddaughter, which I could buy if she wasn't at their house all the fucking time. Do her parents hate her? Is she an orphan they found beside a dumpster in a basket, but instead of being a newborn she was four? My mind obsesses over the stupidest shit.

That is about it for my first post, hope you enjoyed it. I am going to watch 10 things I hate about you and beat off....

...I'm kidding about 10 things i hate about you...i think ill try save the last dance instead...

cheers.

Hear ye, Hear ye. I have an announcement to make.

2006-08-20T11:33:00.000-07:00

This kind of gives me a feeling of announcing something to a group of little kids after you gave them ice cream. They are happy, but not because of you, just the ice cream. At any rate, for those who actually follow this site, there is a new member.

His name is Craig. He said he was honored to join (I have no idea why). He also enjoyed reading my blog. That just goes to show that a fan can join the ranks of a juggernaut of this nature. HA HA HA.

Without further ado, Craig.

That is all.

What a day, what a mo' fuckin' day

2006-08-06T11:31:00.000-07:00

That's from Training Day. The only difference is that his day wasn't exactly a great day, and my Saturday was fan-fucking-tastic. Let's break it down. I wake up and play some Baldur's Gate II. I love games like that. My roomie comes out and chats with me. He then begins to play Baldur's Gate II cooperatively with me. I hear some music outside and say "What the fuck is that? That an ice cream truck?". I was semi-joking. My roomie gets up and looks out the window and says that it is indeed an ice cream truck. We continue playing video games and I keep thinking about this debacle. I decide that we should go out there and get some ice cream since I have never been graced with a full-fledged ice cream truck. We both went out there and got some ice cream treats. We were standing in line behind some kids that were roughly 6. I had a delicious cookie ice cream sandwich. An added bonus was that the lady working it was hot. She was also wearing a low cut shirt and had to bend over to talk to us. God was smiling down upon me on Saturday.

We played some more video games for quite a while. Then, we stopped and I dinked around on the internet. My buddy called and asked if I wanted to go to Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby. This made me giddy because I really wanted to see this movie. There was a giant line outside of it at 7 o'clock. We decided to catch the next showing.

I went back and got my Rabbit and headed over to my buddy's house. They had been drinking a little and we bullshitted until it was time to go. They snuck in some booze. We showed up rather early so we wouldn't have to wait. We sat on a bench in a hallway and bullshitted. I was making quite a few smart-ass remarks on people that walked by. It was great. We finally got into the movie theater. A girl had to walk in my aisle (I was seated on the end). She said "Excuse me" and I told her that she was excused. Her phone started ringing right as she was going by and I said "Your phone is ringing, though." She basically acknowledged that and sat down. I guess that was enough for her to tell me about her friends. I am sure it wasn't sharing the amazement of my sheer awesomeness, but it should have been.

The movie starts. It finishes. I loved it. It was definitely worth the $6.00 to get in. My friends both finished their fifths. One mixed in with some pop. The other drank it straight. The one that drank it straight made us wait until when everybody left because he had trouble walking. We finally got his drunk ass out to the van. He had brought his parents' mini van up to move some shit up here. I was driving because I didn't even have a drop of booze. He was threatening to beat somebody up because they had "Jesus Saves!!!!!" written on the back of their van. There was also "I like cookies" written right next to it, but I don't think he was angry about that. For some odd reason, he attempted to open the door so he could get out and kick their ass. The only thing is, we were going 30 mph.

We finally got him home. He opened the door before I was fully in the driveway and fell out of the van. We had to park and wait for him to get up. It was your typical stumble-drunk attempt to move. I would say it took roughly an hour for him to make it from the van to the front door. I was laughing almost the entire time.

Needless to say, it was a great day all around. This post was originally going to be about how the western part of the state sucks ass compared to Eastern Montana. That will come at a later date because there is no doubt in my mind this side of the state will piss me off in the future.

My roomie and I also get along rather well. We both are from Eastern Montana. We both have a mutual disliking for the western part of the state and this town. We both agree that Eastern Montana beats western Montana hands down (as anybody with any fucking sense should). Okay, I need to stop talking about this shitty half of the state before I start ranting. I have to save that for another time.

In summary, ice cream trucks are about the coolest thing ever. It made me feel like a little kid. It also made me feel like I had accomplished something every kid absolutely needs to. Talladega Nights was hilarious. Drunk people are fun to make fun of.

Check it out

2006-08-03T09:12:00.000-07:00

Yes, I thought of this while I was in the shower. Yes, I spent about an hour working on it when instead of going to work right away this morning. Yes, it makes me giggle when I listen to it. Check it out. Here. That is all.

P.S. In case anybody gets confused, I will explain a thing or two. When you click on that link, scroll down until you see some text that says "Click Here To Download!". Do what it says.

It's Been Awhile...

2006-07-30T15:21:00.000-07:00

I have been rather busy of late. I am running on piss, vinegar and fumes. Went to bed last night at roughly 4:30 AM and woke up this morning roughly at 8:30 AM. Something in my stomach decided to wage war against my stomach. I then acted like Israel and my toilet acted like Beirut (yes, that was a shit joke).

I also cleaned up the trailer (vacuumed and shampooed the carpets and cleaned the counter tops and such) today. It almost feels like I survived the trailer rather than living there. Like I did a little over a year stretch in there. Ha ha.

There has just been a lot going on this last week and there will be a lot going on this coming week. I have devoted far too much time to Deadspin. That site is so good, yet causes sooooo much unproductivity, which I really don't mind.

I guess I can leave you with some sort of thoughts. I read I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell by Tucker Max yesterday and this morning. It is a collection of this guy's stories of hooking up and party experiences and what not. I enjoyed it a lot.

Here's something that angers me: iPod fanatics. Their head is so far up their ass, I sure hope Apple starts putting their name on some glass stomachs so these people may be able to possibly think for themselves instead of following Steve Jobs around like he is a prophet or something. Weirdos. At any rate, there are plenty of mp3 players that destroy an iPod. I was glad to see that my favorite mp3 player brand, Creative, makes some of these. I am looking at the Creative Zen Vision: M mp3 player. I am trying to get one off of eBay for around $150, brand new. I will be stoked if I actually pull that off. I just don't see how iPod fanatics can actually say anything about any other products since they just sit in front of their Mac or whatever the hell they use with some trendy clothes and listen to their trendy music while they masturbate to Apple.com. Yeah, I mean that. There are better options out there. I try to research things very extensively before I actually purchase them. This fine Creative product seems like another winner since I already own a Creative product. I own a Creative Nomad Jukebox Zen Xtra (that's the full name), which is the 60 GB model. It's very nice, but damn that Vision: M looks gorgeous. I wouldn't mind being able to watch videos on the go (that Creative model can watch 4 hours or so whereas an iPod can only watch 2 hours :P). Well, I suppose that is it. I may take a nap or clean the new place up a bit since my roommate is in California. Who knows. Oh, and sometime next week (Wednesday to be exact) I get cable TV installed in the new place. Sadly, I am really excited for that. Peace out punk bitches.

P.S. I managed to get everything moved into the new apartment and I think that it is safe to say I have everything arranged how I want it. I now have furniture, but no air conditioning. Oh, how I miss the so, air conditioning. At least the fucking energy is free so I don't get butt-raped this winter. If you haven't ever been buttraped by an energy bill, I will explain how it works. First off, the energy bill forces itself upon you, whether you like it or not. Then it proceeds to penetrate furiously, with no lube. Once there is blood, that becomes the lube. Right as it finishes, you get a donkey punch. It then tells you to leave, even if you are at your own place of residence. It proceeds to smoke 3 cartons of cigarettes and defecates in the living room. It never calls you back and doesn't ever cuddle. DAMN YOU ENERGY BILL, DAMN YOU!!!! (Yeah, I think the blood part was very over the top and disgusting and quite possibly unnecessary).

I hate air conditioning and furniture

2006-07-17T20:20:00.000-07:00

Yes, that title is correct. If it isn't, this is the correct answer: my roommate moved his shit out of the trailer and now there is basically no furniture in the living room and no air conditioner in the window. There is just a ton of stuff spread about the living room floor. There is one broken chair, but my computer is on the floor and it's way too hot to set my notebook on my lap. I am sweating enough as it is. I am just going to run fans all day and open the winders. There is a bit of a Fresh Prince marathon going on so I am watching that. I forgot how much I like this how. I also have an unreliable car. What a sweet deal!

Also, another thing. I'm surprised that I haven't died yet. I live in a really shady neighborhood (trailer park). I exhibited very destructive behavior. But here's the kicker. I believe there have been three dead bodies found around this town in the past few months. There was the big deal with the basketball and football players who killed somebody and left them in a field. There was also some guy walking down a street with a gun and the cops came and he never put down the gun so he got shot. Yesterday, some kids were on bikes and found a dead body in a pond by the Home Depot. I saw the Search & Rescue people there and they had taped off the area. Apparently, he had been burnt like somebody was trying to burn the body to get rid of it. I had predicted maybe somebody lost a body part in there, but I was wrong. Now, I don't fear for my life or anything like that. I mean, holy crap there have been many times that I probably shouldn't have made it out. I thought this town was supposed to be friendly and safe. Wrong! It's a shithole of a town with a terrible attitude, and apparently dangerous to boot. The town is full of snobs and apparently they like to kill people, or something. Probably not, but that isn't the point. I'm not so sure about this town at all. Let's say that I won't be sad to leave this shitty ass town when I graduate. That's all that's keeping me here. Here's a lesson for everybody: you can't be high-class and sophisticated IN MONTANA! Now go piss off while I sweat against my wall and sit uncomfortably on the floor.

P.S. My legs fall asleep every 10 minutes. Boo Yah!

T.O. and quantum physics

2006-07-14T11:36:00.000-07:00

Here is the story. I'm not really sure about all of the possible mechanics behind it, but T.O. doesn't lie so I will have to believe him. He claims that he didn't use the word heroic when describing coming back from his injury to play in the Super Bowl. Doesn't the fact that somebody else helped you write it make it a semi-autobiography?? Guess not. If you read the article and think about it, it might make some sense. That's not what I am about here. Hearsay and headlines are good enough for me (even though I read the article).

Like I said before, T.O. doesn't lie so I will have to just assume that he misquoted himself. To make this work in my head, I made sure that T.O. had split personalities. One of them happened to be a writer/reporter type and the other happened to be the football/soothsayer type. We will call the reporter T.O.W.R.T. (T.O. writer/reporter type) and the other one T.O.F.S.T. (T.O. football/soothsayer type). Here's what transpired:

T.O.W.R.T.: I understand that you broke your leg while playing for the Philadelphia Eagles. You missed out on numerous games and against doctor's orders decided to play in the Super Bowl. Would you say that your triumphant return was nothing short of heroic?

T.O.F.S.T.: I wouldn't say that. You said that, not me. I would truthfully say that my performance was more closely related to an avatar-esque experience. I am the greatest receiver of all time. I walked uphill in five feet of snow without any shoes and two broken legs to get to the Super Bowl. That's right, all the way to Jacksonville from Philly on two broken legs. I don't think heroic even begins to describe what I accomplished. I wouldn't use that term. Don't put it in the book.

T.O.W.R.T.: Sorry, I missed half of what you just said. I had to get my ab workout in. We'll just leave it at heroic.

Yep, that is what transpired, verbatim. I am going to have to believe that T.O. will be fully capable of explaining all of quantum physics to me someday. If you can be misquoted in an autobiography, surely an electron can be in two places or more at once. And with that I am going to end this post before the hyperbole police come to arrest me. Oh, they are at the door. Wonderful.

Delicious-ness

2006-07-09T19:22:00.000-07:00

This entire post is devoted to the best sandwich (and meal for that matter) that I have ever eaten. It is called the Monte Cristo and they serve this heart-attack platter at Bennigan's. Here's the official description from their official site:
A delicious combination of ham and turkey, plus Swiss and American cheeses on wheat bread. Lightly battered and fried until golden. Dusted with powdered sugar and served with red raspberry preserves for dipping.
That's right. The fat kid's delight. It's a sandwich with ham and turkey. It has cheese in it as well. It's also on wheat bread, which may give the false illusion of making this a healthy sandwich, but you can't tell. That's right, they take that bread, ham, turkey and cheese and deep-fry it. Oh, I forgot to add that it comes in four triangles of cholesterol, sex and heavy metal. They add powdered sugar and you dip it in raspberry jam. It gives this main course a dessert-type feel. It also comes on a big platter type thing and is accompanied by seasoned fries and a pickle. I eat the fries first, as an appetizer. Then I devour the sandwich/artery clogger. I then have the pickle slice to cleanse the pallet. It helps in removing the sweet taste of impending cardiac arrest. After I eat a meal like this, I naturally have to go rape, pillage and plunder entire villages. Or I go home and digest and pound on my chest to free the sandwich's deep-fried grip on my heart. Take your pick. God I love the Monte Cristo. And hate Joe Buck.

Joe Buck fucking sucks

2006-07-09T19:02:00.000-07:00

Yep, you read the title correctly. I cannot stand Joe Buck. He is a sports announcer for those of you who do not know. For those of you who do know, I am sorry for you. He is more of a little bitch than Kenny 'Squeak' Scolari. I try to enjoy the moments when athletes do things a little edgy or just flip out. The only thing is, far too often, right after these moments happen, you get Joe Buck (who apparently thinks somebody deemed him the moral fucking authority for the general viewing audience) bitching and moaning about what you just saw, no matter how awesome it actually was. I wish he would get some Vagisil or Midol or something. The man just irritates me beyond belief. Would it kill him just one time to not get a sour look on his face and make some snide comment about how what we just saw was immoral and wrong? Can he do that? No, not a fucking chance in hell. The motherfucker carries on like he is part of the PMRC (the group that Tipper Gore [who I don't want in the White House so much that I won't vote for Al Gore regardless of what his political beliefs are for] started and got those fucking parental advisory stickers on CDs and what not because she is Satan, or else met Satan and Satan had to kill himself because he couldn't stand her and then she took over by default, making her New Satan). I think this is almost enough of a rant against Joe Buck. I don't know if anybody else feels the same way, but I feel slightly better. Ahhh. Also: Yes Joe Buck deserves to die and I hope he burns in HELL!

UFC and Royce Gracie

2006-07-04T20:44:00.000-07:00

I know I am not exactly punctual with this post, but it's no big deal. I caught the "UFC Unleashed" episode where they were showing Royce Gracie (Royce is pronounced Hoyce, and you can't argue about it because he is Brazilian and can also break you in many parts without breaking a sweat) fights specifically for an hour. I believe they made that show to build up the Matt Hughes vs. Royce Gracie fight in UFC 60. As I was watching the highlights of Royce back in the day, he was just incredible. Nobody really knew much about the Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu style that the Gracie's employed. There style was way ahead of it's time for UFC fighting. Royce has only lost two UFC fights. One was because he was dehydrated after beating Kimo, who weighed almost 75 lbs. more than Royce did. The other was to Matt Hughes. Quite a few things had changed from the time Royce first left the UFC to the time that he came back for UFC 60. There aren't nearly as many "specialty" fighters now as there were back then; I mean people that focused specifically on stand up or the ground game or what have you. The fighters are a lot more balanced now. There have also been many numerous rule changes that had to have altered Royce's fighting style (such as no elbows to the head on the ground and no, or at least greatly reduced, head-butting and also he wasn't wearing his usual uniform, a gi). Watching his early fights now makes me not so stunned that he was beaten by Matt Hughes. Matt Hughes is my current favorite UFC fighter and was before this fight. I guess I was just nostalgic and overly-excited about Royce's return. Royce's ground advantage over Matt's was completely neutralized by the way the fighters now train. Hughes is also an extremely skilled fighter (who came out to 'A Country Boy Can Survive' one time, which made me instantly like him). The point of this is that the UFC has definitely changed and I'm not sure if somebody like Royce will be able to dominate like he used to. The man remains absolutely calm no matter what happens. He showed no emotion as Hughes hyper-extended his elbow. He always had the same look on his face in all of his fights. The man could get shot and not even flinch. I would never, ever, under any circumstances, want to piss off a Gracie. I kind of value my body. Royce Gracie will always be my favorite fighter of all time. I find it extremely fascinating and impressive that Royce was able to defeat opponents that greatly outweighed him and overpowered him. He did it by submission, which I absolutely love. Dare I say the man is like a Brazilian version of Chuck Norris?? I'm not able to decide. He said he will continue to fight after the Hughes lost and I will continue to watch and become giddy like a school boy whenever he fights. That is all I suppose. I really should cut down the length of these, but that would take a lot of effort and polishing. I am not getting paid for this, so fuck it.
Another note: I also noticed that Royce used to fight bare-fisted which certainly helped at short ranges. It is really easy to cut somebody open from short range with a bare fist. Royce was definitely wearing gloves with reduces the effectiveness of short range punches. The fight just wasn't quite the Royce of old. Royce was purely fucking incredible. I remember playing a WWF Wrestlemania 2000 game for Nintendo 64 and there was a standing armbar submission move you could assign to your created wrestlers. I used it for one of my specials. I loved the move and it turns out that Royce did it in a match quite a while ago. Yes, I am that sad.

It's the Fourth

2006-07-04T09:38:00.000-07:00

Fourth of July. My favorite holiday. Possibly because it is only 4 days away from my birthday. You also are encouraged to blow stuff up for hours at a time. Now I have a new reason to love the Fourth. The Nathan hot dog eating contest. I'm watchin' this baby and then probably playing video games and blowing off work. Do I feel guilty? Not a chance. Here's what I have viewed so far (don't expect anything to be in any order):
The introductions for this contest were stellar. I was laughing through roughly half of the entire introduction time. Takeru "Tsunami" Kobayashi is the God of this sport, being never beaten on U.S. soil and is a reigning 5 time champion who keeps breaking his own record. I would imagine he is huge in Japan. HUGE. I don't feel like being wrong or actually putting out any effort, so I won't look it up. All of these people could kick my ass in an eating competition. OH, I forgot my favorite part. They call vomiting "a reversal of fortune". Nothing like a little euphemism. Yes, they even have a little counter. How sweet is that? Chestnut and Kobayashi are hanging in together about neck and neck. There is also a guy with an incredible mohawk. I wonder what they could possibly be listening to while they eat (some of the contestants have earphones in). There's a guy with face paint on. There's a guy they call Crazy Legs. This has everything. I mean EVERYTHING. The Great American Hero (my new nickname for Chestnut, the new favorite) is slugging it out with Kobayashi. It's a two horse race. They also have a fantastic hot dog eating cam. If you ever really wanted a close up from the view of a mirror on the bill of a hat, you got it. I'm not sure anyone really needed that, but what the hell. Holy crap, the GAH (Great American Hero = Joey Chestnut) trains by eating 40 hot dogs twice a week. He isn't 500 pounds either, so he must gain and lose about 20 lbs. per week. Like Oprah. Kobayashi pulls back into the lead. With 3 1/2 minutes, first and second place are 43 and 42, respectively with the next closest being 28. Chestnut looks like he is hitting the wall. I just heard the phrase "hot dog management". Somehow I think if Mike Holmgren was in this, he would definitely struggle in the last 3 minutes where "hot dog management" is critical. I'm really hoping to see a "reversal of fortune". Come on. Please? Chestnut looks like he is in some pain. Or about to puke. I mean reverse. Chestnut is done, stick a fork in him. Kobayashi wins. Kobayashi wins. Do you believe in gut-busting displays? He just pulled a Lance Armstrong and won 6 in a row. New world record, new world record! 53 3/4 hot dogs in 12 minutes. This was the first competition he actually had competition. It just goes to show you that the truly great ones always find a way to win.

Liberate yourself from my viselike grip...

2006-07-03T23:02:00.000-07:00

It's been an interesting span of time since I last posted anything. I went to my grandmother's house over the weekend and came back with a new vehicle and now am living completely alone...until I move into the new place in a few weeks. I also caught the end of the Grand Prix race which was pretty close. I also caught the end of the Pepsi 400 which was really anticlimactic since Tony "The Tiger" Stewart (bastard) won under a caution. For those of you who don't know or forget (if you don't care, too damn bad), once there is a caution out everybody freezes in their running order and Tony happened to be in the lead at the time of the caution. I think they should change the rule when it is the last lap. Maybe have like 3 laps added on or something after the caution flag is gone. That's just my thoughts. I also tore through a book this weekend. I read slightly half of it on the way down to my grandma's house and then finished it up that night and the next morning. It was Catcher in the Rye. I enjoyed it. I really did. The title of this blog is a line from the book. I didn't want to be a phony or crazy like a madman, so I had to include a line in this post. Now I will talk about the new (to me) car that I have to drive around. It's a 1981 Volkswagen Rabbit. Yeah, I think the engine is 52 horsepower on a good day. No power steering, no air conditioning, manual transmission, radio doesn't work, and it's a diesel. That's right, a little diesel car. It gets me where I need to go so I can't complain. I also can't get rid of all the chicks it gets me. Maybe that's a lie. Ok, it's a huge lie. Big fuckin' deal. I don't care who you are, what you believe in, or what you like. You NEED to see this. It just doesn't get any better. Here. That's it, that's all you need. I swear that Samuel L. Jackson is a madman sometimes. (Yes, if anyone has read the Catcher in the Rye they will understand some of the comments. If not, I look like a jackass, which I am).

Ugly

2006-07-01T11:01:00.000-07:00

I have been getting complaints that this site is ass-ugly (from one person in particular, because she is the only person that I know has seen it). I also thought of calling this blog "Tuco". That name is from "The Good, the Bad & the Ugly". Tuco is actually "The Ugly". I am not a person who cares so much about the aesthetics of things. I am more about performance and content. That's why my blog is ass-ugly. It also has a dark background to be easier on the eyes. As if that will be a problem since I have maybe one reader. I would even venture a guess that the only way this blog gets read is purely out of pity.

Grand Opening

2006-06-30T23:27:00.000-07:00

This is the opening of my blog. My name is Chad Shoopman. If more than two people actually see this, I will be royally surprised. This is also my first attempt at a blog, so it is going to suck. Majorly. I guaran-damn-tee it. Ha ha, Butterbean is on TV, he looks hungry. Expect shit like that. This picture is also of my favorite shirt.